I heard my friend’s story and was absolutely appalled. It almost brought tears to my eyes, and it wasn’t just because she’d been hurt and humiliated, but overwhelmingly because she didn’t think there was anything wrong with it.

When Fifty Shades of Grey swept our previously entirely vanilla cultural sex-scape, we were collectively dumbfounded by the open and unabashed display of a type of sexual activity that had been decidedly fringe. All of the sudden, there were BDSM-themed workout classes, outfits, makeup palettes and of course sex toys. The world of BDSM had been blown wide open for everyone to see (and enjoy) and I never really thought of it as an issue. In fact, it has been a point of intrigue I didn’t mind exploring, but for myself, and as I’d find later, for others, it took a dark turn.

Romance novels such as Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey drew scrutiny not because of the characters’ sex-capades (which in Fifty Shades of Grey were outlined and specified in a contract) but because of the controlling nature of the relationship itself. They were scrutinized for the man in the relationship following or tracking his prey girlfriend to make sure she’s safe, as if she’s not capable of doing that herself. What’s troubling about the level of control present in those relationships isn’t that it exists but that so many women seem to find it romantic. Why would we idealize a relationship founded on inequality and control? Sex is one thing, but a BDSM relationship leaves you with emotional scars that are much harder to erase.

The mark of these books on the women who read them varies depending greatly on the individual. Many of us can take these things with a grain of salt and read them as the entertaining sizzlers that they are. But hearing the horror stories experienced by the more impressionable or less empowered (neither of which I intend as a disparagement) turns the mind towards the lack of feminist education in our society. Some people like to be dominated, and some people like to be in control. However, in any relationship, understanding and mutual respect are key to lasting interaction.

When my friend texted me mid rendezvous with her long time crush, I was really happy for her. As I heard more I became increasingly alarmed.

“This is Christian Grey shit. He’s, like, beating me up, and I think I like it?” My worry was immediately incited.

“He’s so hot I can’t dislike it, like slapping me in the face. Is that a thing?” I told her it could be she was enjoying it, but that I didn’t think that was what you’d expect the first time you hooked up with someone. More troubling was when I found out that type of sexual aggression was the reason they initially broke up.

“Now I realize dominatrix is a thing … I’m gonna get drunk. Hopefully when he chokes me I’ll still be able to breathe. So far chances are slim.”

Take a second with that. I know I needed to.

I could input the whole conversation and feel like I was getting my point across. But this is about my friend as an exemplar of young women who feel like they need to put in huge amounts of effort to be accepted or feel desired, and seeing the rest of the conversation and how miserable she was might sadden you to the extent that it detracts from the larger picture. My point in this is that it isn’t fair. What made me even more upset hearing this is that there was no practiced, nuanced sexual experimentation. She didn’t orgasm because of a well-placed crop flick or a firm but practiced touch. There was no mutual enjoyment. He didn’t take a moment to think about her or her feelings, and saying no wasn’t enough for him to stop because there was no safe word and he just thought of it as part of the game. This was a young woman being taken advantage of because our society has fetishized controlling relationships and brought kink to the surface without offering enough context and making clear what is and isn’t okay.

I told her, and have told friends on many occasions, my mantra, which is “she who holds the pussy holds the power.” It’s easy to say but not as easy to believe. It doesn’t mean you rule your relationships, but it means you get equal say in them and complete dominion over what happens to your body. If whips and chains do it for you, get trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey and have all the fun in the world. But playing powerless and being powerless are two different things; going into something with a stranger, or even someone you’re close to, while feeling helpless, powerless, terrified and alone is one thing, if that’s your goal (which is a whole different article), but is entirely another animal when you just wanted to have some fun. We live in a time of complete contradiction, and sometimes it feels like the sexual revolution only made things easier for men because women still get the brunt of the judgment.

While there are thousands of intricate threads that comprise our collective attitude towards sex, self-respect is an ironclad principle. Do what you want if you like it, and if you don’t, for goodness sakes don’t. Stories, especially harlequin romances, shouldn’t be the basis for your real life relationships.