Free Condoms and Red Vines to All

The Daily Stench

December 25, 2014 at 12:27 am by Safer Sex Santa

’Twas the Saturday before finals, and all through FT

Not a creature was stirring, ‘cept for little old me;

I hatched a plan in order to spread holiday cheer,

Free condoms and Red Vines would be our gear;

My reindeer and I would head out into the Towers so large,

Giving out these goodies, free of charge;

At once we realized our group was in need of a name,

And to the idea of Safer Sex Santa, none did complain;

With I in my Santa attire, my reindeer in their festive ears,

We embarked on a journey that none would remember in even two years;

We started in South Tower and worked our way down.

Here we present to you our observations, in hopes you find them profound;

RAs can get condoms super cheap.

via menshealth.co.uk

Seriously cheap. Like $5 for 50 condoms kind of cheap. Now you know where to go before your next “group bonding” event.

A 5lb tub of Red Vines is a lot of Red Vines.

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Every time you get one of these things from Costco you end up with way more than you need. Then, they eventually get more and more stale until they make better whips than they do candy. Buy in moderation.

College kids love free things…

Fo+Free+Gif

Nothing groundbreaking here.

But mostly, college kids love free food and things to have sex with.

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Look, sometimes it’s important to review the basics.

A laundry basket makes a sub-par sleigh.

via bedbathandbeyond.com

Laundry basket + carpet = friction = Santa almost getting burned in the ass. Simple math like this is why I’m sticking to the humanities.

Fake beards are itchy.

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The beard wouldn’t stay in place and mostly just wouldn’t stop itching. If there’s one thing I’d change it would’ve been to get a better fake beard.

Santa Stomachs are not that easy.

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Just throw a pillow under a shirt, right? Wrong. It ended up looking like I had swallowed a cardboard box.

Some people just aren’t fun.

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We got shushed, only once, but still. If you can’t take a little 30-second study break for some free candy and rubbers, what are you even doing here? Turn up for Safer Sex Santa or transfer.

Most people are fun.

Phil-Thumbs-Up