sex on a bench

I’m sure sex isn’t the first thing that comes to mind when you skim over those descriptions, but we all know that the reality of sexual intercourse lies in this sad, sad truth: While pornography makes sex seem sensual, straightforward and smooth going, real-life intercourse always ends up tumbling over a pothole or two. The truth is, some pretty bizarre shit goes down during sex.

Inspired by some of my own “awksauce” moments as well as the stories of my fellow female friends, this one’s for all my ladies out there who have personally experienced the cringe-, sigh-, laugh- and barf-worthy moments during times of titillation. The following is a checklist of 17 different types of terribly weird inconveniences that occur during sex. How many can you check off?

1. Farted. May or may not have been you.
You’re the one who ate the jalapeno bean burrito during lunch. The sex, however, is a little too loud and rowdy for you to truly pinpoint the stink criminal, so instead, just let it go and try to cover up the smell with some major hip gyrating and louder moaning.

2. Queefed. This one was definitely you.
No escape here. It’s not like he has the squelching vagina.

3. Forgot to shave.
There’s nothing like a nice pair of prickly legs, spidery underarms and a spiky nether region to keep your partner aroused.

4. Hair tie or die.
He’s already sweating enough to cure California’s drought, and you’re only adding to the sweat pool. So here you are, wishing you brought a damn hair tie. Sure, post-sex bedhead is cute, but you can’t seem to remember why as your hair plasters to your neck like an itchy sticker.

5. Salty boobs.
I’ve always been confounded about how I should respond when my boyfriend, upon affectionately licking my nipples after (or during) sex, exclaims: “Salty.” Thanks, I was sweating?

6. Facial gone wrong.
Ever had a badly aimed facial where cum landed directly in your eye? Bad, I tell you. Bad. My eye stayed irritated for a good couple of hours.

7. Forgot you had a tampon in.
It took some epic debating to finally decide that yes, sex during a period is fine … until you suddenly remember as he presses his tip against you that your tampon is still inside.

8. Dried menstrual blood…
…is pretty darn scary in the a.m. It seemed like a harmless idea to do it in the blood the night before, but waking up to crusty redness all up in between your legs, on his penis, on your face and over his hands isn’t the most aesthetically pleasing morning view.

9. Me no speak dirty?
Blanking out on dirty talk triggers feelings of moderate inadequacy and high awkwardness. In a desperate attempt to continue the sexual momentum, you splutter out phrases like “oh you bad boy” and “you like that?” and “fuck me” (in altering variations). The only problem is that the more you talk, the more you realize that you’re saying the same lines over and over again. If you feel the need to increase your vulgar vocabulary, I suggest visiting or reading more erotic literature. “Talk dirty to me?” I’m trying, Jason Derulo. I’m trying.

10. Weird cramp.
It’s the sudden, painful contraction of the muscles in your calf, your buttock, the arch of your foot … What’s saddening is how quickly a cramp drains away your mood and sends you straight back to stage zero arousal.

11. Boobs squeezed way too hard.
These are orbs of flesh that you should respect and massage, not stress balls that you squeeze the living daylights out of.

12. Butt slapped way too severely.
Quick stings feel hot and sexy, but these whams feel borderline sadistic. The uncomfortable part about this check item is how to tell your partner that his butt-slapping action turns you off more than on. The even more uncomfortable part is when he takes out some rope and replies, “Wait, I thought you were into BDSM?”

13. Weird stains.
On the underwear, on the bed sheets … Who knows what actually happened?

14. Photo of parents stare back at you.
Making love to a man who loves his ‘rents? That’s cute, but not during the moment you look over his shoulder and notice in horror that the family photo watches you ever so closely.

15. Bfarting (belly farts).
[Noun of my own creation] Pronounced <buh\fart\eeng> (the ‘b’ is not silent.)
[Meaning] A bizarre sound produced when two sweaty bellies suction together. The noise is fart-equivalent.

16. He ejaculates inside. The awkward cleanup process.
To the women who have a handy trick on how to deal with the semen deposited inside of them, please share your wisdom. For the rest of us, it’s a “1-2-3 GO, GO, GO” military drill where he flings you a tissue, you stuff it under your weeping vagina and you proceed to make the awkward duck waddle to the toilet.

17. Bad BO? GTFO.
Can’t hide it, can’t deny it. Might be worse than fart stench.

R.Pengsta embraces the awkward and you should, too!

The views expressed on the Opinion page do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB. Opinions are submitted primarily by students.
A version of this article appeared in the Thursday, October 23, 2014 print edition of the Daily Nexus.