When you really think about it, they all really do suck.

1. Berkeley: The Golden Bears


The Golden Bears. Okay. First. Bears aren’t golden. Unless they’re these delicious ones here. Grizzly and Brown bears weren’t badass enough for you guys, so you have to go make one up? Also what the hell kind of name is Oski? At least you guys are better than Stanford. A color? A tree? The fuck is that?

2. LA: Bruins


Seriously guys? Bears? You had literally every single animal to choose from, but you chose the one that Berkeley already called. And then called it a Bruin just to try to throw people off of your thieving trail.

3. Riverside: Scotty the Bear


Another fuckin’ bear? Okay I understand that the fucking state animal is a bear but THERE ARE ANIMALS OTHER THAN BEARS. Even worse, you guys named it Scotty. Scotty doesn’t know that he’s one of four mascots in the system that are essentially the same. Scotty doesn’t know.

4. San Francisco: The Bear


Literally, just fuck you. NOPE.

5. San Diego: Tritons


This mascot is Triton, Poseidon’s son and messenger of the sea. But isn’t that representative of some sort of inferiority complex? Why be Poseidon’s son when you can be motherfuckin’ Poseidon?

6. Santa Cruz: Banana Slugs


Is there any animal that is less intimidating than a banana slug? It’s a fucking slug that looks like a banana. Who’s scared of the big bad slug? Although you guys did get a mad shoutout from Quentin Tarantino and John Travolta. So I guess there’s that.

7. Merced: Bobcats


So I guess this is an okay mascot. As the newest UC, you guys had to step it up to pick a good one. Too bad bobcats don’t do well during droughts.

8. Davis: The Aggies


What the fuck is an Aggie!? Your mascot is a mustang. Why don’t you just be the mustangs? What do you think would have happened to car culture in the US if Ford sold the Aggie instead of the Mustang..?

9. Irvine: Peter the Anteater


First, can we just take a moment to ponder the name Peter the Anteater? Okay, Dr. Seuss. Leave that to the folks studying in UCSD’s Geisel Library. Secondly, it’s cool that your mascot, the anteater, eats ants. Too bad no schools are the Ants. (We have an ant problem in Isla Vista please send help.)

10. Santa Barbara: The Gauchos


We are the mighty Gauchos. With moustaches. Yeah, our symbol is a moustache. Like the fad of 2007. We don’t really want to relive those days. And yet, here we are. This is like a bad nightmare all over again, complete with acne, braces, and dances where you have to leave room for Jesus.

Once again, NOPE.