A few months ago, I got the Snapchat app. I was looking forward to being included in all my sorority sisters’ standard pictures of duck faces and froyo. But while I am constantly bombarded with those, I also started to receive something unexpected: A full on Snapchat terrorist attack. Getting a friend request from a random username (and here’s where mistakes were made), I figured I would simply add them; surely the snaps would lend to their identity, right? False. It instead led to two months of me receiving bizarre dick pics. The penis was always flaccid and noodly and, perhaps to lessen the blow, it was always framed in hearts, flowers and smiley faces. Due to my inexperience with the app, I was drastically unprepared: I had no idea how to delete people. And I kept forgetting his username, so I was always freshly bombarded when I opened the snaps. Finally, some kind soul showed me how to delete the heinous doodling flasher.

Now, I’m all for a good naughty picture … given the right circumstances. So maybe I should outline what those circumstances are, for all of you prospective pic-senders:

Rule #1: Pictures and sexts should always be consensual. An unwanted dick pic can ruin your day. My friend says she really appreciates it when a guy preludes a picture with, “Hey, can I send you a dirty picture?” rather than just doing it. That way you don’t embarrass yourself, and your recipient won’t be afraid to open messages from you.

Rule #2: Save them for someone special. Personally, I wouldn’t trust a lot of guys with a naked picture of me. There’s no doubt in my mind that they’d want to show their buddies or do something douchey, like make it a contact picture. Heaven forbid they hold it over you if things go badly. I save my pictures for boyfriends or people I really trust. If you do decide to send one to your booty call, for the love of God, please leave out your face.

Rule #3: Better to Snap it than to text it. Despite my own demons regarding Snapchat, it’s a much better medium for dirty pictures. There’s more security with the time limit (don’t forget about screenshots, though) and you can use the text bar and doodles to make it more fun. For instance, I know someone who takes snaps of his naked body in a mirror, but covers his penis with a heart. It still oils up my love machine, but in a funny, unthreatening way. Just like sex, I think that dick pics are better when they are lighthearted and fun.

On a similar note, let’s address sexting. Just like naked photos, you need to assess your partner’s willingness to stimulate you with written word. Lead into it, showing them how attractive you find them and how hot and bothered you’re getting thinking about them. “Last night was great … Can’t stop thinking about all the sounds you made ;)” or “Can’t stop thinking about all the things I want to do to you.” Depending on their response — “Oh yeah saucy boy? Like what?”/ “By those sounds do you mean me groaning in disappointment?”) —  you’ll have an idea of whether or not they’re down.

As aptly stated by a friend of mine, “sexting in locations where sex would be most inappropriate makes for the hottest sextual intercourse.” I can’t help but agree. Sexts are best when one party is in a professional environment or at a family function. Nudge danger with your inappropriately timed boner; it’ll add to the sexual thrill.

After a buildup, you can go into full blown story mode, i.e., “And then once I pull your panties off with my teeth, I’ll…” That’s always a ton of fun. However, in my opinion, more enticing statements would be, “Thinking about your hot breath on my lap,” or, “Can’t stop thinking about my head pressed between your thighs as you squirm.” Just writing these gets me biting my lip. Tease me, get me all revved up, but don’t give me the satisfaction. That way I’ll be spun up when I finally do see you. Sex is better when you tease beforehand ­­— the same goes for sexting.

Just like dick pics, sexts are better with creativity. For instance, here is a sexual haiku I received over text message:

Erotic power.

Balls slapping against pussy.

Your moans drive my lust.

I had the most sophisticated lady boner ever.  That 5-7-5 structure just does it for me.

Finally, dear readers, I leave you with a challenge: If you have a naughty dick picture you’re considering sending, maybe you’ll take a trip over to http://critiquemydickpic.tumblr.com and culture it up. It’s an amusing website where the web hostess receives your dick pics and gives you an A-F rating, as well as a detailed evaluation. I challenge you to send in your dick pic. Let’s class it up. No more stereotypical ab/dick selfies with yellow lighting; let’s throw in some filters. Make that shit artsy. CONTRAST, YO.

Happy Humping!

Hayley E. appreciates when people go the extra mile to make their dick pics classy.

Views expressed on the Opinion page do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB. Opinions are submitted primarily by students.
A version of this article appeared in the Wednesday, November 20, 2013 print edition of the Daily Nexus.