I am debatably President Obama’s biggest fan. I am constantly tweeting inappropriate fantasies of wishing to bear his children and quite frankly, I don’t know why the National Security Agency hasn’t checked up on me yet. The newspaper cover from that heavenly day in November 2008 remains tacked on my closet door at home and I will forever remember the incredible feeling I had as I gave up my voting virginity for him aside a stripper pole at the lovely AEPi house. But holy shit, is he dicking around right now, or what?

I wanted to avoid this topic, I did. But I can only sit around for so long while Jon Stewart, NPR and the New York Times — basically all of my closest friends — tear one of my biggest heroes apart. This has been heartbreaking for me. And for all of the times that I have blindly supported Obama, though I will never admit to actually ever being false, today I cannot ignore our president’s decisions simply because I am really inspired by Michelle Obama’s gnarly biceps and triceps. Today is the day I never expected to see. Today I will critique the actions of President Barack Obama.

Throughout the whirlwind that has been the creation, passage and implementation of the Affordable Care Act, President Obama has reiterated countless times that those who like their current coverage will NOT have to switch over to a new plan. For the past four-and-a-half years, Obama PROMISED all Americans that they were not going to be forced to switch to a different healthcare plan if they didn’t want to. Then all of a sudden, about two weeks ago, Obama started sneakily twisting his words until he was saying that Americans can keep their coverage that they like IF the plan is one of those outlined by the Affordable Care Act. So pretty much, he’s acting like an asshole. Even if his intentions were benign and something shitty happened in the legislation that made him realize it wouldn’t work like he wanted, it seems pretty darn shady and looks a lot like he was trying to trick people into supporting his bill.

Humorously, while Congress is currently working hard to change the law to try to follow through on this promise to the American people, with huge support from eternal badass Bill Clinton, the White House has yet to change their Frequently Asked Questions section of the insurance webpage. It currently says explicitly on WhiteHouse.gov, “If you like the health care plan you have, you will be able to keep it … Nothing in the health reform bill will require you to change your coverage.” Except of course, if it isn’t one of the plans that the government is providing for you…

On my bike ride to class yesterday morning I was listening to NPR’s “Morning Edition” (yes, I’m that person) and heard a ridiculous story about these three guys in the Silicon Valley who were fed up with the terrible setup of the healthcare website and sat down and literally made their own. It’s called healthsherpa.com and so far it’s helped to provide thousands of users with insurance quotes that they couldn’t get access to on the actual Affordable Care Act website. One of the programmers said that about 85 percent of their website’s users have been able to complete the process of finding a plan that works for them compared to the humorously praised number of 100,000 Americans that have chosen plans on the real website. Reality check: There are 40 million uninsured Americans and we’re pretending to be stoked on 100,000 being able to even make their way through the website all the way? The moral of the story was that three dudes under the age of 30 created a website that is more functional than the website brain-child of the entire federal government. That’s a little silly, don’t you think?

So come on Barack, shape up or ship out. You’ve been on quite the downward slope ever since Benghazi and I would really rather your presidency end on a high note for the Democratic Party. Please stop lying about tapping the private phone lines of international politicians. Or at least start getting more complete briefs on what your security agency is doing so that you look like a little bit less of a dumbass when the rest of the world finds out that we are, in fact, doing some shady shit. Maybe try to figure out a method to seek out what you consider to be “threats to national security” without keeping drones hovering over towns full of civilians. Perhaps you could even go to the extent of growing a pair and attacking gun control full on, like you know you should. I mean it’s your second term, you aren’t moving up after this … What do you have to lose? Stop playing it safe on the issues that you need to work hardest on and get your act together on all those seemingly simple decisions that you seem to keep fucking up on. Props for the whole gay rights thing, though. That’s been really nice.

Remember Barry, I’m only saying this out of love.

Mckinley Krongaus is still excited for the annual Obama family picture around the menorah … it’s one of her favorite parts of Hannukah.

A version of this article appeared in the Tuesday, November 19, 2013 print edition of the Daily Nexus.
 Views expressed on the Opinion page do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB. Opinions are submitted primarily by students.