In the midst of President Obama’s recent tweaking (and basically, removal) of his ever-famous, “If you like your plan, you can keep your plan,” statement regarding the new healthcare act, I’m going to hide in denial of the seemingly doomed future for my favorite Hawaiian’s well-intended law and instead steer you in the direction of something that makes me so damn proud to be an American. If you haven’t heard yet, Toronto’s Mayor Rob Ford has recently admitted to the allegations of smoking crack cocaine placed upon him back in May. The very basis of this story is hilarious, but luckily for us, the further one investigates Mayor Ford, both in his defense of his crack-cocaine usage and his life story in general, the most ridiculous story unravels, leaving a news-obsessed nerd like myself as giddy as if it were the first night of Hanukkah. So fasten your seatbelts, friends and let me take you on a journey that I like to call: “At least it wasn’t meth!”
Back in May, a 90-second cell phone video surfaced of a very sweaty Mayor Ford taking hits from a glass crack pipe while visibly intoxicated. When this news broke, I dismissed the likelihood of it entirely, and throughout the summer, Ford continually denied all allegations. So imagine my delight when two nights ago, whilst eating dinner with my man Jon Stewart, my phone buzzed and alerted me that the Mayor of Toronto not only admitted to smoking crack cocaine, but also that he was not stepping down from his leadership position and still fully intends to run for reelection in October of 2014. The humor level of his confession is comparable to that of an Office episode mid-season 6 (you all know that was its peak).
Starting with the straight answer of “Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine,” Mayor Rob Ford proceeded to grab a very large shovel and dig his grave incredibly quickly, considering how morbidly obese the Toronto politician is. He next said, “But do I [use drugs]? Am I an addict? No.” Good to know, Rob. He went further to explain his confusion over the situation because he was so ridiculously intoxicated when he smoked the crack cocaine that obviously he doesn’t even remember when the event occurred. “Have I tried it? Um, probably in one of my drunken stupors, probably approximately about a year ago,” he clarified. Is this real life? Even Anthony Weiner’s head would be spinning.
Since this accusation has been floating around in the news for the past five months, Ford was repeatedly asked why he lied to the media for so long, to which he responded, quite sassily, “I wasn’t lying. You didn’t ask the correct questions. I do not use crack cocaine. Nor am I an addict of crack cocaine.” Oh, so that’s how you’re going to play it, Rob… So after explaining that yes, he did use crack cocaine, but, no big deal, it was only once, he doesn’t do it everyday, he very confidently stated that he would not be stepping down from his position but rather that on Oct. 27, 2014 he wants “the people of this great city to decide if they want Rob Ford to be their mayor.”
So first, I just want to point one thing out: Why was Ford even smoking crack cocaine? He can’t afford straight-up powder like the rest of the elite? He has to go all Central Valley on us (I’m allowed to say that: I’m from Fresno) and hit up pipe-style? Secondly, how on earth was this man elected? A couple more things that I found extra special about Mayor Rob Ford: He thinks that you can only get AIDS if you are using heroin and/or if you are gay, he feels that bikers are at fault for all accidents, his sister has close ties to the Klu Klux Klan and her close friend was a founding member of the organization’s chapter in Toronto, he argued against building a homeless shelter in Toronto and suggested a “public lynching” rather than a “public meeting” to discuss it further and, one of my very favorites, he said, “Those Oriental people work like dogs.”
And my third and final question, which is just unanswerable to me: What is going on with Toronto? Since admitting to smoking crack cocaine, Mayor Rob Ford’s approval rating has risen 5 percent, with 98 percent of the polltakers clarifying that they knew of his drug use. That means that Ford’s approval is now five times the approval rate of the United States Congress. I’m kind of confused. I’ve never been to Canada, but isn’t Toronto a pretty big, advanced, civilized city? On New Years Eve in 2011 he was photographed with his arm around Jon Latvis, a member of the neo-Nazi organization, Racial Holy War. Ford had “Rob Ford: Mayor” magnets handed out at the funeral of the founding editor of the Toronto Sun. Five of his staffers have resigned since May, including both his press secretary and his deputy press secretary. And his approval rating has risen?
I mean, come on, this is some great stuff. And I want to personally thank Mayor Rob Ford because his antics have allowed me to temporarily forget President Obama’s unfortunate recent policy decisions, which had been causing my stomach to churn for a few days now. So maybe it has been a bit difficult to support Barack lately, but it sure beats having a racist, sexist, ignorant crack smoker as a mayor … right?
Mckinley Krongaus might have just uncovered a real-life Creed Bratton.