My doves, my pets, hello. I return to you with a righteous crusade at hand. I dream a dream of perfectly mowed, or at the very least nicely trimmed, meadows in the pants of men everywhere. Yes, you young rapscallions, you, today we will be discussing the importance of manscaping. About damn time.

If you are a man, you may wonder: when should I trim the ball-fro? A rule of thumb: If you’re going to show it, mow it. Your most sensual apex should be a metaphorical front lawn. Don’t be the scary man down the street whose home is lost in the undergrowth. The one that requires the local EMTs to hack down the grass with a machete to cart out your critically sex-starved body … OK, I’ll admit I got carried away with that metaphor. Just remember you want the yard to look nice.

I recommend having your crotch trimmed. If you are a generally hairy guy, don’t shave it. Imagine going to the zoo and seeing a gorilla. Now imagine that gorilla has crudely shaved only its genitalia. Take that horror and ponder it for a moment. A trim will suffice.

As for the rest of it, I’d say, anywhere you want licked should be shaved. Balls and shaft should be devoid of hair. If you get random hairs growing on your dick, pluck that stick. I do not want a hair dislodging itself at the back of my throat. It will tickle and perturb. Just as you wouldn’t get hot watching your cat cough up a hairball, you won’t enjoy my deep human suffering at the hands of your misgrooming. If you are well-maintained, your options for fellatio open up. A girl may be more eager to take your sack of goodies into her oral cave of wonders if it doesn’t result in having wet hair in her mouth. Yes. I hope you are as disgusted as I was while writing that sentence. Wet hair.

Now, there may be some discomfort when the hair returns if you opt to shave. When it grows back it will prickle and tickle your sensitive giblets. Remember, waxing will mean a) that you won’t have to maintain it for at least a month and b) it will grow back thinner and softer than before. It is a choice only you can make. Choose wisely.

If you do opt to shave, I recommend the proper set of tools: a good razor dedicated solely to your bits. There is something dehumanizing about shaving your face with a razor that has a pubic hair on it. If you want to be well-prepared, buy Coochy Cream (*insert rambling dialogue by spokesperson of Coochy Cream*). This is a shaving cream dedicated solely to handling your nether-lands. It permits you to shave against the grain which may be easier and it limits shave bumps. Consider it a sexual investment, my friend.

Remember, not everyone cares about this stuff. You can adjust according to your partner. Perhaps you’ll land someone who likes the springyness of your bush and has made peace with the initial digging that must occur.

And ladies, though you are generally better versed in this song and dance, remember that the same rules apply. At the very least, you should maintain your bikini line. Communication is key, people. If you want it from your partner, you need to ask, tactfully. I recommend one of two options that work for me. You can: A) ask if they want something like that from you. It opens the door and makes it reciprocal. “Hey, what are your preferences for how I keep it down there? Do you want it shaved? You do? OK, would you mind doing the same for me?” Or B) “Hey, I think it would be really sexy if you were bare down there …” Mention it offhandedly, flirtatiously. “Imagine all the things we could do …”

And so, my little horny toads, I leave you with this applicable quote from one of my role models, Dr. Evil of Austin Powers: “There’s nothing quite like a shorn scrotum … It’s breathtaking … I suggest you try it!”

Hayley E. has better things to do than look for a needle in a haystack.

A version of this article appeared on page 16 of the Wednesday, April 24, 2013 print edition of the Nexus.