Gather round, gather round, one and all. Today our topic is one of much excitement: kinky sex. But before we get there we must take a peek into my past, so you can understand how I have suffered for this cause. Now, please understand when going into this story that the spirit of it all was admirable. The carrying out was less so. This article will offer suggestions that, had my partner been aware of such things, may have lessened my plight. That’s right; it’s time for another awkward sexual anecdote.

It was summer 2012. My small tank of a friend had persuaded me to drink copious amounts of alcohol before taking me to a frat party. Shortly after arriving, I found a companion for the evening and we made it over to his place. Both fairly tipsy, he was a tad rough, not in the delightful way I will be encouraging, but in the, “Ow, ow, softer dumbass,” way. This is where things went terribly wrong. Like a good partner, he was terribly eager to go south, and that’s when I opened my big dumb mouth. “Bite my thigh,” I foolishly uttered. Grinning saucily up at me, he did as he was told. However, when I said bite, I meant really more of a nip, something soft and inspiring. What I got was a bruise that lasted three weeks. It looked like someone had shot a baseball at my thigh at a whopping 60 mph. For days I could not fathom how it got there, I was too consumed with agitation at the eight hickies he had dispatched across my neck. The moment of realization was characterized by sheer horror: Yes, those were teeth indents. The moral of this story is thus: A) a number of my sexual situations are uncomfortable and weird and B) bite others as you would like to be bitten. Now, to be sure, I am happy he bit me. I wish he hadn’t bit me like he was making an appearance in Shark Week, but I appreciate his willingness to adventure. And that is what characterizes much of the kink.

As unabashed as I am in ranting about my junk and sexual prowess to you nice people, I too occasionally remain mum on my desire for hair pulling, ass smacking and mouth covering. When I was hooking up with a BDSM dom (bondage, dominance, sadism, masochism) back in fall quarter, I felt I was finally getting an outlet for all the wild things I really wanted to do. It was the most fun I’ve ever had in bed, hands down, because it was so fresh and bad and shameful that it made sex new and shiny all over again. When did sex become so routine? Shouldn’t you blush just a tad when you think of the things you did? At this point it’s become, “Oh yeah, we hooked up, had sex, whatevs.” For shame! I want to see girls whispering behind their hands into their friends’ ears about the wild and crazy things they’ve done in the dark.

Now, a lot of people are freaked out by the idea of kinky sex. You can imagine why. Their mind goes to the freaky German dungeon porn they came across when they clicked the wrong pop-up on the internet. But rest assured, there are ways to be kinky in your interactions without freaky torture machines.

For those uncomfortable with kinky sex, that is just fine. This article may not apply to you. However, there is the chance that you might be with someone who digs some kink one night and you should have some awareness as to handle the situation. A big disappointment occurs when an individual actually asks to get kinkier, after summoning the courage, but their partner, unsure, half asses it. Fake it, guys, fake it. If your partner senses your inhibition or your lack of commitment, they become disappointed and may be discouraged to ask in the future. Additionally, don’t make them ask more than once. If they ask at all and you’re down at all, expect to include it in your sexual routine.

Another important note for the unsure is this: Try everything once. If you don’t like it, you don’t like it. Now you know. As a rule, try to keep open minded about everything until you can say for yourself that it does not appeal to you. Now that we have these things in mind, we can move on.

First, let us visit the very important distinction of biting verses nipping. Nipping is applied to sensitive areas like nipples, earlobes, THIGHS. Biting is sometimes for necks, shoulders and less sensitive areas. Be aware of sensitivity prior your chomp fest. Perhaps the most important thing you can take away from my advice on bighting is to do unto others as you would have them do for you. Bite experimentally; start off light always. If they want it harder, they’ll ask and you can build up. Or if they are fairly quiet, maybe your partner is a bit less sensitive and you can take that as a cue.

Aside from biting, there is the classic ass smack. Now, if you’re really going to smack someone’s ass, it is important to rub it out afterwards. You smack, and then rub your palm in circles in the afflicted area. This significantly lessens the pain and gives it more of a pleasurable edge. Plus, you get a good grope in.

Scratching is also wonderful. My last partner looks like he was mauled by a pack of disgruntled cats. It’s the same with biting, start a little lightly to see if they like it. If they like the biting, you can be sure they like the scratching. Try not to rip off a layer of skin, if you can help it.

Hair pulling should be done as close to the roots as possible, with a handful of hair, not a small section. This reduces the pain and instead causes a refreshing sensation. I have had my hair pulled improperly. Imagine if you will, yours truly seated upon a frat kitchen counter, with my head basically touching my back. Humans are not supposed to bend that way, or they would have named us Gumbies. The arc is nice, but please, do not break your partner’s neck.

When it comes to choking, I, personally, am not a fan. I was making out with this guy and he started doing it and I stopped him. Confused, his response was thus, “Did you have an abusive boyfriend?” …to which I replied, “No, I just like breathing.” Simple as that. However, some girls are super hot for this. After discussing it with my associates, the key is not to suffocate her (dur), but instead to apply light pressure. Place your hand on her neck, and press slightly with the flat of your palm. Then minimally increase the pressure, if encouraged by your bedmate.

Now, while I may personally dislike choking, mouth covering is another thing altogether. Some of us are louder than others. Roommates are often less than thrilled with our sexual presence. My favorite remedy to this conflict of interest is for a guy to muffle my cries with his palm. Gents, do this while whispering quietly in her ear, “shhh.” Continuing this tangent of covering, a good friend of mine goes crazy when you cover her eyes. It’s a simpler form of blindfolding and it really just gives that feeling of susceptibility.

In terms of being tied up, oh yum. Now, it probably isn’t a good first hook up move to break out the silken ties or handcuffs. But, you can absolutely pin them down. This is unbelievably hot. Do that. It’s fun to squirm in your hold and it establishes your dominance which is something a lot of people fail to do. Sex is best in my opinion with a bit of a power struggle.

Finally, and most kinkily, in my humble opinion is getting in your partner’s head. Saying things. Having them say things. Commanding them to do things. For those of you who have deigned to read my vibrator article, you may remember the anecdote of my partner informing me that I must petition him on whether or not I could come. This is a prime example. The best way to get someone in a submissive head state, I’ve come to believe, is to have them repeat a phrase over and over. Approximately three to five times. If done properly, it puts you in a trance like state. I shit you not. For instance, “What am I doing to you?” Fill in the blank, “What can I do to you?” To which you say breathily, “Whatever you want.” Repeat this sequence three or so times, preferably while pleasuring them so they are foggy headed and unquestioning of your bizarre inclination to repeat yourself.

I will leave out other things for fear that they cannot be published. All in all, it is important to push your boundaries and try new things. You’ll never know unless you try. Undoubtedly, a lack of kink is the most lamented aspect of many individuals’ sex lives. That and an inkling as to where the clitoris is. So my darlings, break the bondage of standard sex and get a little spicy! Adios muchachos; hump most happily!

Hayley E. knows how to keep a hose flowing, even when it’s kinked.