Considering it’s my first time enlightening you with my dazzling wit in the Wednesday Hump, I decided to do some research before taking on the challenge. After about 20 suggestions of “tie your man up and blindfold him,” (thanks Cosmo) and Maxim’s genius “15 Things Never to Say to a Stripper,” I decided to rely on my own sexcapades for this one.
Spoiler alert: This one’s about boobs. Titties, fun bags, love pillows, jugs, twins, what have you. Everyone loves boobs. If you need any concrete proof of that, if you’re a girl, watch how many times a guy looks at your boobs during a conversation. And guys, well I don’t think that one is necessarily up for debate.
On a personal note, I have, what you might say, larger than average boobs. Whenever I walk into Victoria’s Secret, the sales ladies laugh at me as if there is a tit-sling large enough there to fit me. Yeah, well sue me if they don’t make 34 F’s, okay?
Although I spend nearly 100 percent of my athletic life getting knocked in the face by my own knockers, there is a definite upside to boobs.
See, I’m well aware that my boobs aren’t there for me. Scientifically speaking they are there for my future newborns to suckle on. Luckily for the male population of Isla Vista, they’re reaping those benefits until infants take over.
However, it’s important to note that boobs should not be limited to the seventh grade activity they once entailed. That is, the holding, pushing around, squeezing and sucking. Since we’ve all matured, boobs included, there is one factor that no one should overlook: the glorious world of titty fucking.
There’s really no polite way to say it. “Double bag shag” sounds too Austin Powers, and pounding the pillows makes me think of how much I hate Bed Bath and Beyond. By the end of this, I promise, you’ll see how nicely “titty fucking” really rolls off the tongue.
Titty fucking is the definition of teamwork. Really, it’s a bonding experience that no doubt beats the hell out of the 20-question bullshit like, “What’s your biggest fear?” But, be forewarned, it takes far more preparation and concentration to make titty fucking work than classic penetration does. First of all, lotion is a must. Get those girls lathered up for their big debut. Ideally, the girl should hold her boobs together so the guy feels like he’s having sex with a virgin and not your fantastically slutty tits.
Guys love titty fucking. Trust me, guys will be more than willing to comply if you bring up the subject, regardless of the size of your rack. Not only is it something they can brag to their friends about later, but they also get the thrill of coming on the girl somewhere they usually wouldn’t.
Cummunication is key here. With a dick coming that close to your face, not only does that raise the question of, “where the fuck do I look?”, but it also bears the fear that you may get a nice cum-wad shot to the eye. So make sure you establish when he’s coming and where before you embark on the adventure. Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to have eye drops on hand just incase, because hell, I don’t know what the fuck you’re into.
Personally, I enjoy putting his artistic abilities to work, and I have him draw little hearts and stars on my stomach. While that may be a little advanced, coming on your chest may be fine, or hey, be a champ, eliminate the clean up and take it in the mouth!
Well, unless you’re anything like me, who has taken this opportunity while being titty fucked to take a nice rejuvenating nap. The first time I encountered this experience, I tried to watch what was going on, and only ended up getting cross-eyed.
Also, males, if you do decide to come on her chest, make sure someone cleans that up. When you go to wake her up by motor boating her in the morning, you don’t want a pearl necklace to be the first thing you see. Trust me, it is a little awkward for everyone involved.
So guys, next time you’re checking out a girl’s chest, think about all of the magical capabilities it entails. And girls, stick out those hooters, ‘cause fuck it, they’re going to look anyway.
Alright Isla Vistans, that’s enough for today. Now go get over the hump, by getting in between two.
Daily Nexus sex columnist Elizabeth Brooks’ milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
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wow, fucking great. Another sex columnist that can tell us all about vanilla and its many gradients of vanilla. When was the last time this columnist had a black, latino or asian writer? When was the last time the writer was gay, transgendered or bisexual? When was the last time the a column talked about anything other than how straight sex, where the columnist encourages women to please their men and to be more in tune with their sexuality. This column does little to address the alternative lifestyles, it rather caters to the tastes of their mainstream demographic, privileged straight… Read more »
Well, there is some point in that whats mentioned above for sure.
But remember were here in prude USA and additionally it’s a campus newspaper^^
Anyways, I had a great time reading it and found it fucking hilarious as my friends did too. So first and most important task accomplished: it entertained ;)
*Thumps up*
jesus, the snarkiest guy in the world offers a scathing critique of a sex column. Must be nice having so much free time on your hands- I’m guessing you don’t have much sex. Who would have time for an active sex life and such detailed research on freaky sex fetishes?
Lighten up, it was a decent article. Sorry if the writer (and the audience) are more interested in titty fucking than tentacle porn. shit.
year after year, the columnist picked seems to write about the same things. Whats worse, the writers seem oblivious to the way they contribute to the problem. Instead of offering up a thoughtful, reflective or new perspective on sex, the writers live in the moment, pay no attention to the way society is shaped, and help in keeping the status quo the way it is now. Id like to think better of a college newspaper, id like to expect better of it. At the very least it would be nice to see the nexus acknowledge that gay people exist. Maybe… Read more »
I feel like you’re missing the point of the article from week to week. It is there to entertain and make the reader laugh, something that I feel has been accomplished by this article and I’m glad for the somewhat lighter approach compared to last year’s raunchiness. Furthermore, I don’t think the writer views herself as an object or subservient to men. I think she makes that clear by speaking openly about herself and her sexual endeavors and embracing the fact that for now, her boobs are what they are. And although your idea about “broadening the mind of the… Read more »