Hey baby ‘Chos — Ima let you finish orientation, Ima let you finish, but once you’re done you gon have the best college experience of all time. OF ALL TIME.

First of all, thanks for picking up the Nexus; it was a good move for a lot of reasons. Obviously you’re trying to put your best face forward, and you just look smarter now that you’re holding a newspaper. Additionally, we, at the Nexus dungeon pooled our years of rookie mistakes and ensuing wisdom into this nifty travel guide to give you the insiders’ perspective on the famously raucous vacation destination that is now your home.

While your parents are busy hyperventilating over their recurring Floatopia: Part Trois nightmares and your friends from home can’t wait to come rage with you, take some time to look around and see which aspects of UCSB and Isla Vista appeal to you personally. Admittedly, your first few months here will be mired with wide-eyed adventures through foreign territory, dodging water balloons courtesy of the upperclassmen who can spot a freshly-oriented Gaucho from a mile away and explaining to drunk girls that you really don’t know what happened to their other high heel. But once the sparkling appeal of Del Playa’s bass-infused recklessness fades and the anonymity of being swept into a throng of revelers fueled by adrenaline, amphetamines and Amstel Light loses its comfort, you’ll find the things that will end up meaning the most to you.

Let me just reiterate one thing you’ve been hearing nonstop since you chose this school: You literally live on the beach. It’s easy to take that for granted until you realize all the possibilities of the Pacific. You can spearfish, kayak to the Channel Islands, pet obscure sea creatures in the Touch Tank or study in an Ecology, Evolution, and Marine Biology Dept. that Science Watch considers to be in the top 10 departments for overall research impact in the nation.

If you’re not a seafarer, put on a sombrero and throw tortillas at the disillusioned men and women who think they have half a chance against our outstanding soccer stars. Pack a sack lunch and a water bottle, rope some friends in and hike through the beautiful, misty coast at Campus Point (or find a pal with a vehicle and head to Tangerine Falls, which is actually as cool as it sounds). Test your Spidey Senses on Robertson Gym’s rock wall. If you’re feelin’ groovy, abscond to the Music Library, which is home to a trove of records, CDs, tapes and scores of all genres of music and rooms you can reserve to absorb your tunes in peace. Try your hand at an article, a photograph, a cartoon or a web page for the Nexus — we’re currently hiring, so come check out our hideaway in the office under Storke Tower and see why we all can’t help but love it.

I’ll leave you with the only piece of advice you need: Go out and do it. Whatever niche you fit into, whatever hobby or interest takes up the majority of your thoughts, whatever makes you legitimately happy and makes you feel like you belong at this university — go start! And get a Super Cuca’s breakfast burrito along the way (trust me). And go to class, too; that’s also important.