This time of year always holds a special place in this particular degenerate’s heart. There is something special about those first few weeks of school, when 20,000 of our nation’s finest get compressed into this magical square mile we call home. I’ve noticed a few unique results of this compression, and thoughtfully took the time to share them with you. And so, here are my top five favorite things about Fall Quarter.
1. Right around October my diversified portfolio of Anheuser-Busch, Brown-Forman, MillerCoors and Diageo usually jumps a few points. A wealthy degenerate is a tipsy degenerate is a happy degenerate.
2. There’s something wonderful about walking to class when there are people running around who have clearly never ridden a bike or a skateboard. I pretty much feel like I’m living out a scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark where the angry natives are constantly chasing me so they can eat me, or at least spear me with their handlebars. I like this, because it injects a sense of danger and adventure into a day that normally would not carry the threat of dismemberment or death. It keeps me sharp and on top of my game.
3. Then of course, there’s the joy of walking around feeling like I’m motor-boating the eye-candy bowl. From the bottom of my heart, to every single woman in this fine town, thank you for being so gorgeously beautiful. Yes, this is the sanctified time of year when God’s ultimate gift to man gets dusted off and put on. I’m referring of course, to the booty short, the designers of which I think deserve some sort of award for their brilliance. A Nobel might do it.
Every year I leave campus and go into near-fatal booty withdrawal, and it’s a relief to get my fix. Why this sacred item of clothing doesn’t get a lot of air time outside of a college campus is a mystery, but I’m guessing it’s because if Papa Bear sees his sexy little minx looking that good, he’s not going to think twice about booting her pretty ass over to community college so he can keep a closer eye on her.
Also, a little extra cleavage isn’t going to hurt anybody. Just saying.
4. My return to brotopia hasn’t been without its disappointments. Today I was strolling through campus and I saw a bro enjoying this beautiful weather we have — shirtless! Now what the fuck is this shit? Why aren’t there more bros with their shirts off? Brodawgs, listen up and listen good, because I am about to drop some knowledge on your sorry ass. It’s a tough, confusing world out there. A man’s got to have some sort of moral code he can use to successfully navigate the turbulent waters of life. I have one rule, and only one rule that I use to find safe passage, and it has never led me astray: “Sun’s out, Guns out, Baby!”
Seriously, get with the brogram.
5. The one truly unique event of the year is… you guessed it! The running of the freshmen. Now I realize that the hunting of such game can be considered unsportsmanlike, or, in some instances, even morally questionable. I’ll admit I sometimes feel a pang of unease when I witness the baiting, trapping and plying of these seemingly naïve creatures. In fact, I’m always half expecting Admiral Ackbar to suddenly spin around in his chair and warn, “It’s a trap!”
The bottom line is that the fall is just a great time. Just remember — a true degenerate knows if you’re planning on having snapper for dinner, it might as well be fresh.