The thing I love about college is it’s the only place I can do everything wasted: cook, booty call my grandmother and make it home with at least one shoe on. Yet this usually results in minor burns, confused responses in my inbox and a sloppy arrival. Alcohol may be our nectar from the gods, but damn can it make us Isla Vista natives a messy bunch.

By no means am I here to bash alcohol. On the contrary, I love alcohol. I love the way people laugh when they’re trashed and the way they flirt shamelessly with those come-hither, unfocused eyes. But I am here to warn you about the dangers of blackout banging. When is the last time someone called whiskey dick or puking sexy?

[media-credit id=20109 align=”alignleft” width=”250″][/media-credit]Probably never, because they are the anti-sexy, like screeching infants or the word “cankle.” As I mentioned before, while I am capable of cooking after a half pint of tequila, the scarred flesh on my middle finger betrays my lack of grace. That’s because too much alcohol makes us prone to being ill and uncoordinated, the ingredients for very messy sex.

First off, the more you consume, the more you will have to urinate. I hate excusing myself to use the restroom more than once from dinner or any social situation, not to mention in the heat of the moment. Getting interrupted for potty breaks while you’re trying to get down is like trying to stream a YouTube video on the library Wi-Fi. The bladder is inconveniently located too intimately with sexual organs and its neediness post-drinkage can be particularly inopportune. The only thing that makes holding it in harder is when someone is on top of you. Gravity is a bitch.

Having to tinkle is child’s play next to the dreaded feeling of nausea. Nothing screams or smells like worst sex ever more than alcoholic vomit. Handle pulls and saccharine shots of Seagram’s may have sounded like a good idea at the time, but after a few thrusts the piñata will burst and there will not be candy. Puke is one of the most successful boner kills ever. Look at your life choices; why are you having sex with someone who probably won’t remember the night and just get sick on your bedside table?

Negative experiences with those body fluids can be scarring, but other effects of alcohol are show stopping. If a guy can’t get a hard on, it is probably due to some emotional block, but if he’s wasted, it usually means there were one or two too many beers involved. Whiskey dick could be one of the most frustrating parts of drinking too much, because the only thing that looks weirder than a penis is a flaccid penis. That floppy bunch of skin could mean two things: Either you can call it a night or make the most of your overly intoxicated state. Men, you should accept your punishment for drinking excessively without bitterness or reservations and ravage your partner. Sorry your penis is out of commission, but all women know that p in the v isn’t the only path to happiness.

A couple drinks can lead to a night free of inhibition and some steamy sexual encounters, but not if the blackout queen can’t get her bra off without crying a little. People who can handle their alcohol don’t embarrass themselves, pee their partner’s bed or upchuck “Two-Buck Chuck.” So next time your sloppy drunk sex isn’t up to par, blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol and ask for less intoxicated intercourse.