It’s no easy feat to restrict all I have to say within a character count.  But hell, this is my “goodbye column,” so I’m just going with it.  Actually, bless this character count… I’m currently hanging on to sobriety by a thread.

It’s been almost two years since I was handed the reins for the sports page. I don’t know if it should be considered an honor or a coincidence, but I’ve done my damndest to stay on top of UCSB sports.

Scoff as you may, but what separates us from other press outlets is the fact that we cover all Gauchos, all the time. It doesn’t matter what sport you are, we’re on top of it.  Sure, it may not be glamorous to cover women’s water polo or men’s golf, but when you’re in the Gaucho blue and gold, it might as well be patriotism.

Gump, our dynasty will go down in Gaucho lore.  High A has nothing on hot pants.  Orlando, stay humble and stay up, the NBA just might have your calling card.  Slaughter and Irons, may your ungodly height and hate for the Lakers lead you to greater pastures. Mario, win or lose, you’re a player. East Bay represent.

To those of you that have stuck by the armchair over the past couple years, any witty and/or NorCal-biased statement can be credited to yours truly. Taste it Pike, you’re still the douchiest, Asian-hatingest fraternity ever.  Tim Lincecum says so. Us Bay kids may not win championships, but we do it stupid, dumb and, dare I say, hyphy. To all future employers, please disregard the aforementioned statement.

I’ve worked with the craziest ginger in the business, the whitest guy in the industry, and somehow, I’ve come out a better person ready to overcome the Communist ranks of the Red Guard.  That’s right China, get ready to feel the pain.

Giants baseball. Warriors basketball. Worship greatness. Worship yours truly. Fuck the Dodgers. Go Celtics. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool, fuck you, I’m out.