The Saga of the Sloshed Slug

Sunday, May 16, 12:22 a.m. — While on patrol, officers spotted a pair of inebriated lovebirds smooching against a parked car on the 6600 block of Del Playa Drive. The female — a UC Santa Cruz student — propped her leg up on the hood of the vehicle and decided to try out a new seduction technique by sliding her leg and foot along the car.

Officers approached the love-struck pair and asked if the car belonged to them, which it didn’t. Because the drunken duo was in the company of friends, the officer asked for them to leave.

However, as the group began to walk off, the lady Banana Slug turned around, ran back and flipped off the officer. The girl, who reports say was of Caucasian descent, then began to scream, “Fuck you, motherfuckers, you racist fuckers.”

Despite her wild antics, the friends continued walking without a hitch.

Based on the out-of-towner’s actions and her friends’ blatant inaction, officers decided that she was unable to care for her own safety and arrested her.

On the way to the transportation vehicle, she noted that she was, indeed, intoxicated. However, at the station, she insisted that she was actually sober. Officers gave her a breathalyzer test, which proved that her BAC was 0.198. When showed the result, she simply smiled and said, “I feel fine, I’m not drunk.”

She was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail where she was housed, pending sobriety.

The Episode of the Erratic Engineer

Saturday, May 15, 4:36 a.m. — Two of Isla Vista’s finest were dispatched in response to a man banging on doors on the 6700 block of Abrego Road. Upon arrival, they saw a 20-year-old male with an unzipped fly arguing with bystanders.

When asked where he lived, the belligerent door banger gestured to the closest residence and said, “Here. 6753 Abrego.” The officers informed him that, unfortunately, he had named the wrong address.

The deputies escorted the inebriated gentleman home, told his roommate that his confused comrade could not be drunk in public and left the residence. However, as they strode away, the subject dashed after them, calling out that he was a “UCSB engineer.”

Because the roommate was unable to care for his bombed buddy’s safety, officers placed the confused young man under arrest.

During transport, the now enervated engineer began sobbing and spontaneously cried out, “I’m fucking drunk, so what?”

Tears quickly turned to anger, however, and soon he became verbally abusive, screaming, “Don’t fuck with engineers!”

Unfortunately for him, the deputies did not heed the drunken engineer’s warning and transported him to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.