After months of dutifully writing the Wednesday Hump, I’ve decided it’s time for you, my beloved readers, to seek retribution for my having ruined your reputations, peeping on your naughty rendezvous and exploiting your douchebaggery when it pisses me off. Below are a series of questions written by a group of truly sophisticated, resourceful college boys. I’ve been instructed to answer all the questions honestly and without reserve.
Disclaimer: Those of you who recognize yourself in these stories, incriminating or honorable… you earned it.
[media-credit id=20122 align=”alignleft” width=”250″][/media-credit]Q: What’s the best place to have sex at UCSB?
A: The Nexus! The couches are just disease-infested enough to encourage condom use and there’s an orange safety vest that could really enhance the role-play. Not that I’d know. Wink.
Q: What are your favorite positions?
A: Three-way tie: 1) girl sitting on guy’s lap, moving her hips in a circle really fast 2) backwards cowgirl 3) guy on top, girl lifts her hips up to meet his. Mmmm.
Q: What was your best sexual experience at UCSB?
A: It took months for me and this guy to start hooking up, but once our lips touched, fireworks went off. We were still making out and steam was practically rolling off our bodies when he lifted me up and hauled me to the bedroom. Once we got there it was a little matter of kicking out his passed-out neighbor before ripping each other’s clothes off. The sex? Staggering.
Q: What was the worst?
A: That’s easy. His name was Dorian. I met him through my friend’s boyfriend, and he had some serious-looking trapezius muscles — that’s the neck muscle that comes from being a tool. Anyway, Dorian and I made out drunk and sober a couple of times, and while grinding at a party we decided to have hot sex. Literally. He said “Do you want to go have hot sex?” and I said “Yeah let’s go have hot sex.” LIAR! Here’s what happened: we meet his roommates very proper-like, go to his room and maybe 15 seconds after we get naked he loses his load. On the sheets. Which were (cringe) red silk.
Q: Have you ever had an audience?
A: I’ve been listened to, walked in on and caught in the act, but the only intentional audience (I think) I’ve had are dogs. I can think of three different sexual partners whose dog has watched us get it on, tongues out, breath panting (the dogs, not us). They were the cutest little perverts I’ve ever seen.
Q: What is appropriate roommate etiquette when you want to hook up?
A: Both parties have a responsibility. Since sex takes precedence over a good night’s sleep, the oh-so generous roommate ought to give up the lair… at least for a few hours. However, if the offending party’s sexual exploits have forced their roomie to permanently relocate to the piss-couch, maybe next time the sexy couple should find an abandoned alley.
Q: Would you bang Chancellor Henry T. Yang for four years of straight A’s?
A: Psh, I do have straight A’s. But if I didn’t… no. He’s way out of my league.
Q: Would you suggest getting into a serious relationship in college?
A: No. I know people think they’ll meet their mate in college, and I know plenty of people who have been part of a successful couple while still getting silly in college. But having a serious relationship just for the gratification of the label is nuts, and being depressed because so-and-so didn’t want to make you his girlfriend is a serious offense against singles and their enviable lifestyle. If you can find your soul’s counterpoint in another at UCSB, by all means hang on to them! But if not, don’t fret… you’re in the happiest place on earth.
Q: Has anyone ever spit on your pussy before you fucked?
Q: What is your type?
A: Tall, dark and scruffy, with a big smile and big feet.
Q: At what point in a relationship is a Dutch oven acceptable? *(See? Such sophistication!)
A: Boys, are you referring to the practice of farting under the covers while your girlfriend is getting ready for bed, then when she gets in you trap her under the sheets and yell “Dutch oven!” while she’s stuck there? Smelling your farts?
Q: What advice would you offer incoming freshman about sex?
A: Don’t be a pussy about talking about sex, even if you’re celibate… or just not getting any. The most important thing I have learned from writing this column — besides the fact that I can argue myself out of everything — is that sexual frankness teaches you about yourself in an entirely new way. You become more confident, attracting people to you like potheads to Little Asia.
Well, there you are. I know the world will come crashing down around you when I leave this grand institution — the flowers will die, the tortillas will go stale, the thrusting will cease. In these moments of crisis, don’t panic. Just ask yourself: WWKD?