You know what they say: Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. Or in the case of the last couple of weeks, where there’s rain, there’s drama. Let’s take a look at the bad, the ugly and the “WHAT IS THIS??? I DON’T EVEN…” moments of January television. Believe me, they’re a doozy.

First of all, “Lost” conquered the White House. Yes, you read that correctly. The White House was considering two possible dates for the nationally epic State of the Union address, and one of them dared to fall on the evening of the “Lost” season premiere. Needless to say, hell hath no fury like a thoroughly confused and led-on fandom scorned.
The Internet was so abuzz with anxious “Lost” fans that White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs had to reassure everyone that the address would not stand in the way of the show. Man, talk about David and Goliath. Except this David has a stone the size of a freaking polar bear.

Ah, nothing piles on the drama like an award show, and this year’s Golden Globes were no exception. While the Globes handed off to the men of “Dexter” and to the cast of “Mad Men” were no surprise, more than one award left viewers scratching their heads — yes, I’m referring to “Glee” for Best Comedy/Musical TV Series. Don’t get me wrong: Nothing warms my heart more than to come home from a long day twiddling my thumbs in lecture, cozy up in my snuggie and be cheered by melodious teenage angst.
But I found myself constantly disappointed. One week, the show would be phenomenal and show stopping (“The Rhodes Not Taken,” “Wheels”), and then the next it would fall flat (“Ballad,” “Hairography”). I prefer a little consistency in my Golden Globe winners. Let me perpetuate the drama just this once and say “Modern Family” was robbed.

Finally, unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve heard about this whole Jay Leno/Conan O’Brien debacle, and I ask you this: How the HELL did we let it get this far? So NBC gave the “Tonight Show” to Leno… Yes, it sucks, boohoo. But if we’re going to start braving massive rainstorms to rally in support, shouldn’t it be for something more important like, say, the earthquake in Haiti?
Before you bite my head off, I am cuckoo for Coco, just like the rest of you. Leno should have retired ages ago. But all this is just improving his ratings, which, I might add, were going down before the feud. Conan will doubtless get a gig somewhere, somehow since it is clear he has a loyal fan base. Albeit they’re a bit crazy, but hey, that worked for “Lost” right?

So please, leave the drama in the TV shows and out of real life. If this is how each month is going to be for the rest of the year, I’m hiring an assistant. I’m getting too old for this shit.

P.S: Please tell me you all saw Jack Bauer in that dress last Wednesday.