On Sunday morning, I woke up to find vomit in one of our cooking pots. Not cool. Who throws up in a pot? Especially when there are so many nice places to vomit in my house, like the toilet and ANYWHERE ELSE BUT A POT. What was this person thinking, anyway? “Oh, hmmm, my stomach doesn’t feel so good; I think I might throw up. But I also want spaghetti. Well, OK, I’ll just pick up this pot and… oh, wait… now I’m throwing up in the pot.” Fantastic. Really great work. Except now we can’t make soup, and Tomato Bisque Tuesday is coming up.  

Sassy reader Questions Columnist’s Credentials

Dear Igor,
How did you become the advice columnist? Do you have any actual qualifications for giving advice? 
Poopie Face 

Dear Poopie Face,
How sassy of you. I actually appreciate your question, though, because there are a lot of misperceptions and false rumors flying around, so I’m going to take this opportunity to clear them up. Many students seem to think that I reached my current position by having sex with the top editors of the Nexus. That is outrageous and personally offensive. I would never attempt to move ahead professionally by having sex. I gave them oral.

But even if I didn’t, I would still have all the qualifications necessary to be an advice columnist. I know how to drive stick; I wear Old Spice deodorant; I can harmonize with up to three other singers; I can tell when two minutes have passed, and it’s time to stop brushing my teeth without a timer; everyone gives me high fives when I ask for them; I have a Costco membership; I like to read when it’s raining outside; my texts are generally grammatically correct; and finally, my name is Igor, and you can’t write a column called “Dear Igor” with a name like Steve, Jonathan or Poopie Face. 

Make Sure to Mix A Manly Musk to Attract the Ladies

Dear Igor,
What’s the best cologne to impress the ladies? My cologne is running out, and with so many choices, I have no idea which to buy. I want something that isn’t too strong, but definitely carries a strong scent, something that I will be remembered by.
Scent Seeker 

Dear Seeker,
This is such an important issue. For as long as I’ve known women, I’ve known that more than anything, they value a man’s musk. For them, it is the single most important factor when evaluating sexual possibilities. They don’t know this consciously, of course. They think they’re looking for personality, a sense of humor or nice arms. It’s all BS. What she’s really doing is sniffing you from every crevice.

And it’s all thanks to evolution. I’m a member of EPIPEN, the Evolutionary Psychology Institute for Psychological and Evolutionary studies N, and we believe that the way humans are today, including their sexual preferences, has everything to do with our evolutionary choices. So, 20,000 years ago, a woman needed a man who was strong and intelligent but also a good listener, because women had lots of feelings, even then. The needs of women haven’t changed much in the last 20 centuries, so you need a cologne that will express to all the potential lovers in your life that you can fulfill their desires.

First, stop thinking about buying in-store colognes. You don’t want to be like a million other guys, feeling super special as they douse themselves in Burberry. No, you’re going to make your own. Get two eggs, hard-boiled, and mash them together. Add mayonnaise, salt and vanilla. (It’s smelling good already!) Chop in six cloves of garlic to ward off the scary ones, but add in some honey to bring in the sweeties. Add some jalapenos to show your spicy side, but also some rose petals to show your emotional side. Blend with ice and milk, and drink every morning for breakfast. Instead of normal colognes that dry up and stop smelling, this cologne will seep from your pores for up to 46 hours, showcasing your virility for all nearby women and bears.