The Best Costumes
1) Afro Ninja — Strapped with a Dr. J ‘fro and a black track jacket to match his masterful belt, Afro Ninja has back-flipped his way to the top of my list. On top of how easy this costume is, your presumed intoxication will only better your impersonation of this reckless nun-chucker. Watch out for the I.V. Foot Patrol though. Confused? YouTube it.
2) Showering Manny Ramirez — It may not be the ninth inning of a crucial NLCS game but that doesn’t mean you can’t cruise the streets rocking the latest edition of everyone’s favorite Dodger. Pick up a shower costume (yeah, they exist) and combine it with a Manny helmet (dreads attached), and voila! Instant ignorance!
3) Raiders’ GM Al Davis — This one’s pretty straightforward. Just dress up as the Cryptkeeper (per previous Nexus publishing in ’05) and throw on a Raiders jersey. While you’re at it, waste a draft pick on the farthest throwing/fastest running college footballer you can find, regardless of ability.
4) Chris “Birdman” Andersen — Get super tatted with a mess of colored sharpies, throw on a headband to compliment your Mohawk and flap around maniacally while swatting anything that gets in your way. Feel free to throw in random bird calls.
5) Michael Phelps — Who wouldn’t want to be a Speedo-fitted man-fish with 16 Olympic gold medals? It might be a bit chilly, but the pre-DP bong rips should help.
The Scariest Athletes
1) Mike Tyson — Going for the K.O., “Iron” Mike can throw the uppercut, or simply rape choke you until you’re out cold. And if those don’t work, this viably insane heavyweight will pop up in Vegas and rain a haymaker on a member of your wolfpack. Bottom line — don’t fuck with face ink.
2) Sam Cassell — People wonder why Sam I Am is so good at trash talking. The answer: An education in insult spanning an entire galaxy. That’s right. This well-traveled hoop star is actually a well-traveled extraterrestrial. Don’t believe me? Just watch E.T.
3) Tonya Harding — If she isn’t hiring a hitman to take you out, she’s trying to take you out herself as an ice princess turned female boxer. Even more frightening, this trashy gal’s got herself a sex tape. It’s not exactly “One Night in Paris” material.
4) Charlie Villanueva — With respect to all non-millionaires inflicted with alopecia universalis, how scary is a nearly 7-foot, hairless man? Horrifying. Cornered in a dark alley, I’d take my chances with a 200-pound naked mole rat over Charlie V.
5) Ray Lewis — As much as I wanted to dedicate my last pick to the raspy rumblings of Dikembe Mutombo, the NBA’s already gotten too much love. Even if he’s clowning, any interview with Big Ray strikes fear into my heart. If you dare disrespect this linebacker, you’re as good as tackled… or stabbed.