Bonjour! That’s the French word for the beginning of this column. Last weekend, I was invited to a petite soirée, and ever since, I’ve been feeling very Français. Being French is difficile, though. Did you know that at a fancy French party, eating cheese and sipping wine separately is classy, but dipping the cheese into the wine is unacceptable and frowned upon, even though it’s super delicious? Those crazy French! If you have a funny story in which you deal with another culture, send it to National Geographic, but if you have a question fit for an advice columnist extraordinaire, send it to J’aime licornes géant!

Dear Igor,
I’ve been with my girlfriend for about three months now, and I only have one problem: She doesn’t shave her legs so much. It’s not that she doesn’t shave them at all, it’s just that she doesn’t shave them enough. Like, she’s only shaved them twice this whole time. It sucks so badly. The thing is, she’s totally into feminism and stuff, so I don’t know how to tell her I don’t like it without offending her. Any advice? 
Discontented Boyfriend 

Dear Discontented,
Twice in three months?! Well, look no further, world explorers, because I think I’ve located the Sasquatch. Wow, that is just not right. What’s it like? Is it like the Amazon Forest? Every time you feel her legs do you find a new species of tree frog? Just wondering. I feel so sorry for you. And it’s even worse because you’ll be stuck no matter what you do. Tell her how you feel and you’ll be called a misogynist, but keep quiet and you’ll have to fend off blue jays looking for their nest. I think the answer here is clear: You need to break up with her a.s.a.p. Like Dr. Phil says, there’s nothing more important to a relationship than soft, smooth, and flawless legs. Luckily, you’ve only wasted three months, so get out while you can — you’re a college student, not a zookeeper.

Dear Igor,
Why do guys suck at talking? None of the boyfriends I’ve had have been emotional with me the way I want. I can talk to my girlfriends for hours about nothing, but by the end of it I understand exactly how they’re feeling. Whenever I talk to guys, it’s like a factual rundown of the day’s events, and it seems like I can never get to any sort of emotional depth. Why is it that guys have such trouble expressing any kind of feeling? 
Annoyed in Anacapa

Dear Annoyed,
Why are we here? What is our purpose? Is there an afterlife? How can gasoline cost 9/10 of a cent? No one knows the answers to these questions; they simply are. It’s the same with men; it’s the way we are. And it’s not that we don’t have feelings. You’d be surprised to learn that guys have plenty of feelings. It’s just that we’re taught from a young age not to show them. How many times were you told to stop crying when you were a child? Ask any guy the same question. Again, you might be surprised. I should say that this wasn’t the case with me, though. The lawyer told me to cry as hard as I could, and after my dad was taken away, I never stopped showing my feelings. But seriously, guys are complex, hairy little monkeys, and we’ve learned that most of the time we can get by with a few grunts and a well placed fart. Accessing our deep emotional side is difficult, but possible, so keep pushing. Eventually, you’ll succeed and finally get what you wished for: a big, hairy girlfriend with a penis.