Soggy Bottomed Girl
Wed., Oct. 15, 3:48 p.m. – Deputies enjoying a sunny Wednesday afternoon were called to duty when they witnessed a young lady struggling to walk near the intersection of Embarcadero del Norte and Picasso Road.

The officers watched the stumbling stroller for approximately one block, during which she weaved back and forth, stumbled into innocent passersby and fell into a bush. She had another female with her, but she was not assisting the inebriated.

The deputies stopped the 19-year-old woman, and immediately picked up on the strong odor of alcohol coming from her person.

They asked the young woman where she was coming from and she replied that she had just left her sorority. She was then asked where she was heading, and she replied her sorority.

When asked how much she had had to drink, she said, “Enough.” After speaking with her friend, the officers learned that they had come from the Phi Sigma Kappa fraternity house, where the various sororities had been competing in a “gladiator style” sporting event.

She was arrested and transported to the Isla Vista sub-station on Trigo Road. There she was placed on a chair in the holding cell, but after a half-hour of repeatedly falling off she was moved to the floor.

Her intoxication seemed to be increasing, and at times she lost consciousness. Then, she began to urinate, soaking her shorts and the ground that she was sitting on. She made no attempt to move and ultimately passed out in a puddle of her own urine.

The sorority girl was then transported to the Goleta Valley Cottage Hospital for alcohol overdose, but was ultimately released back to the sheriff’s department and transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail where she was housed, pending sobriety.

You’re No Jim Morrison
Fri., April 25, 12:56 a.m. – Informed by numerous people of a man lying in the grass at Sea Outlook Park, located on the 6800 block of Del Playa Drive, a bicycle patrol officer made his way to the area.

When the deputy approached the park, he saw a man lying on his side, seemingly unconscious, with both his pants and underwear pulled down to mid-thigh. Despite his apparent efforts to stay dry, his trousers were soaked and the man stunk of urine.

Furthermore, the 23-year old was positioned in such that the view from the street was one featuring his naked ass. Also, the man’s left shoe was removed and sitting near his head.

The officer, fearing for the inebriated man’s health, called paramedics and attempted to rouse the urine-soaked, half-naked, mostly unconscious partier.

Succeeding in having the man open his eyes, the deputy asked the pungent-smelling sleeper for some basic information, such as his name and age. This man, however, had simply consumed too much to partake in simple conversation.

In response to the officer’s questions, the man rambled off a series of no’s and then jammed out on his imaginary air guitar.

After paramedics determined the man was not in need of immediate medical attention, he was arrested and transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

A Beautiful Mind
Thursday, Jan. 31, 2:12 a.m. – Officers stationed at the Isla Vista Foot Patrol office were informed of a drunken woman who was unable to pay the bill for a cab ride.

The woman, who was dropped off on Pardall Road, was returning from a night out at a Goleta bar.

The ride-stealing suspect had had a bit too much to drink however, and appeared to have some loose change after all.

Clearly alone, the woman was convinced there was another person inside the cab when she had entered.

Putting the issue of the disappearing passenger aside, the officer asked the woman how she had planned to pay for the taxi.

She calmly told the deputy that she was going to pay the fare of $16.75 using her cell phone. The suspect tried to complete the transaction several times, but despite her sincerest efforts, her mobile would not issue legal tender.

With her phone apparently void of its magic-giving abilities, the woman lost her composure and resorted to screaming and yelling.

The woman was arrested for public intoxication and transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where she was housed, pending sobriety.