Special Election Day got me all giddy inside. Something about the spirited call-to-action got me feeling more patriotic than apple pie. Why? It was reminiscent of Nov. 4. It was a proud day for many reasons, but black presidents and badass Death Cab for Cutie prizes notwithstanding, it was the day that the majority of this university banned together for love. Although the effort to kick Prop 8 to the curb was unsuccessful on the larger scale, as far as UCSB was concerned, equality prevailed. In celebration of Chuck Norris-caliber kick-assitude. I dedicate this column to some of the sexiest people on our campus: the queer community.

Comprised of lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transsexuals, the queer community at UCSB is indeed the minority… but silenced and alienated they refuse to be. Their antennae are tuned in to the heterosexual herd 24/7, they’re tired of every generalization in the book, from your conservative friend’s assumption that all gay men have A.I.D.S., to your boyfriend’s insistence that there’s a picture of him in the lesbian headquarters marked, “Wanted for Threesome.” I sat down with four fourth-year homosexual students and asked them what they’ve been dying to shout from the top of Storke Tower.

Alert to Mr. Garrison: “Everyone thinks lesbians sit there and scissor, and maybe we’ll try it as a joke, but our sex life doesn’t revolve around it. It’s just funny,” a lesbian student insists. Chimes her girlfriend, “The positioning is just not really conducive to sexiness.”

All right, cheap lesbian porn officially debunked. So what do they do? “It’s all about manual and oral stimulation… and knowing what you want and asking for it in the right way is definitely sexy.”

Yes, dildos and strap-ons are in the picture. And puttin’ it through the back door ain’t just for the boys. “All’s fair in love and assplay,” one woman beams. But don’t you dare think that toy penetration is supposed to make up for lost penis. “It’s about pleasure, it’s not about the boy. There is no implied male spectator!”

Some happen to think that lesbians are simply straight girls gone bad and that an experience with the right man will toss her right back on the linear path. You can keep telling yourselves that, boys, if it helps you sleep at night, but these ladies aren’t budging. “I’ve had sex with men,” says one. “I’ve never had any traumatic experience with a man… I was just thinking about girls.”

Though seemingly on separate spheres, the ladies do occasionally pay homage to their male same-sex-loving counterparts by watching gay male porn. But I’m sure they’re aware that in real life, gay gentlemen don’t haphazardly stick it where the sun don’t shine. Often, anal sex isn’t a guarantee, as oral and manual stimulation prove equally effective. When anal does come into play, says a gay male student, “Gay men actually use condoms a lot more than straight men do. We know that with anal sex, you can’t fuck around. Of course, there are some guys that think condoms are a symbol of repression… but I personally don’t understand that.”

Although many boys will be boys, poised to pounce “with their heads up while dancing in clubs, looking for the next attractive potential hookup,” often times promiscuity ain’t the name of the game. “If a guy is interested in a relationship after the hookup, he’s not afraid to say, ‘You wanna hang out?'”

All interviewees agreed: The pleasures of homosexual sex are insurmountable. Whether a participant is simply admiring the beauty of the physique that he or she is also blessed with – his sharp bone structure, his defined musculature, her curves, her breasts – or being pleasured by a person deeply familiar with their anatomy (a person who – gasp – knows where the clitoris is!), the possibilities are endless.

The interviewees even extended an invitation to the straight man who has yet to toy with his pleasure threshold. “God may have been fucked up when he made a man’s G spot six inches up his asshole. … There’s some big fear about losing your masculinity by having someone come in contact with his anus… but it’s so pleasurable.”

And to those who still fear coming out of the closet, the interviewees encourage you to join the queer cause. “The goal is to talk about heterosexuality as if it’s not deviant. … Even telling one other person is activism in itself. … You never know whose attitude you’re going to change.”