With the exception of the Big Bang and the birth of our lord and savior Jesus Christ, Floatopia is the greatest event of all time. This event is the embodiment of the Isla Vista collective conscious, a day where we unburden ourselves from the responsibilities of the outside world and simply enjoy ourselves. It is for this reason that I am disgusted by the lies and half-truths we have been fed from the likes of Vice Chancellor for Student Affairs Michael Young. Mr. Young would have you think that Floatopia is a betrayal of our values and beliefs. He says because a long time ago we helped spawn the environmental movement, we should cancel this glorious event. You know, Mike, here in I.V. we used to burn down banks, too. Times change, homie.
In his letter to the UCSB community, he stated that “untold numbers of fish and birds” died as a result of Floatopia. Please, sir, explain to me how Floatopia kills birds. He proposed that the urine and feces in the ocean from the event is harmful to the environment. The amount of urine relative to the amount of water on our coastline is infinitesimally small. Is the ocean going to get a little bit saltier? And as for defecation in the ocean, I ask, “Who shits in the fuckin’ ocean?” (Just fish and a few frat guys.) I agree that the trash left on the beach is horrible from an aesthetic standpoint, but is it really that different from throwing a bunch of rocks out in the water? Is an empty can going to somehow kill a fish? I am not attempting to justify polluting our beaches but rather pointing out that the long-term ecological damage of Floatopia has been grossly exaggerated. Admittedly, I am not a physical science major, but then again, neither is Young.
I am, however, an economics major, so I will concern myself with a matter that I am more familiar with. The question I put forth is this: How does the county lose money from Floatopia? With just under 80 fines issued and 14 arrests at Floatopia 1 (at $200-400 apiece), the event brings in significant revenue for the county. Not to mention the money that out-of-towners bring in to the local economy, some of which goes to the county in the form of sales tax. The county can easily redirect this money to the police force and fire department to cover their Floatopia-related expenses. EMTs and police have to be on duty anyway, and now they get to spend the day at the beach. Yeah! Most of the people at Floatopia would be drinking in I.V. anyway. Now they are all concentrated on one stretch of beach. Doesn’t that make things simple?
I will end with a piece of advice to those in a position of power concerning the future of Floatopia. Don’t try to stop it. I will be out there on May 9 floating in the ocean with a silver bullet in my hand and it will take a hell of a lot more than Lt. Brian Olmstead’s portly ass to stop me. Please don’t try to end this event because it cannot, and will not, be stopped. Remember, you may have the guns, but we definitely have the numbers.