Have you heard about this whole emergency provision to ban drinking on the beach, just because it got out of hand once? It’s frightening business, but at least it makes sense. In fact, I’m hoping they follow it up by banning skimboarding because it upsets the crabs and seaweed-hoppity bugs. Then they should ban surfing, because it gets in the way of seagulls trying to fish. Eventually, I hope they ban swimming, because somebody might drown. Personal responsibility is overrated anyway.

Tomorrow’s forecast: Our reactionary administrators protect nature by not letting people enjoy it.