Hello, my fellow students. My name’s Jon Nightlyinhale, I mean, Nightingale, and I’ve recently been appointed to the esteemed position of the Daily Nexus drug columnist. So let’s talk about what this means for you as a reader desperately needing something that will allow you to completely block out your professor’s lecture. As a drug columnist in the 21st century, I have the responsibility of not perpetuating old 20th-century stereotypes and in doing so, perhaps educating those who are ignorant to certain attitudes and ideas of the drug culture here in Isla Vista. Hopefully this column will reflect a vibrant and intelligent student community that happens to know how to party harder than some people want to believe. It will provide a wide array of drug-related topics, but mostly will be a celebration of the awesomeness that is expanding your mind via the use of certain substances and enjoying what this planet has to offer, even if that is just Sports Center re-runs and another bowl of cereal.

Unless you are just a huge square that needs to leave the library to go out and make some friends, then you are fully aware that today is one of the world’s most prestigious holidays. Yes, my friends, 4/20 has finally arrived and let me tell you, it’s been a long 364 days. I’m not sure why 4/20 is such a big deal to stoners considering most of us are such huge fans of the holiday that we like to pretend that it’s 4/20 everyday of the year. The important thing about today, though, is that you smoke as much weed as possible.

There are a number of rumors about the origins of this holiday, but none can be proven to be true. Some uneducated people might tell you it’s because Hitler was born on 4/20. However, I can assure everyone that this is not true. If there’s ever been a person that should have been smoking more weed, it’s definitely the world’s most un-chill dude ever: Hitler. The point is that it doesn’t matter why we celebrate 4/20; we just do. It’s like Christmas in that some people might like going to church and remembering Jesus, but most of us just want to open our presents.

Hopefully, just like on Christmas, everyone in Isla Vista this morning woke up and rushed to his or her living room. But instead of ripping open presents, you were ripping the shit out of a bong. Today is the day to smoke all day, and it is my duty to help you accomplish that obvious goal. To do so, I want to share with everyone some activities and feats to accomplish during the rest of this glorious day.

First, everyone needs to hit the cycle. In baseball, this is when a batter gets every type of hit in one game. But in weed smoking, hitting the cycle means you and your friends, in just one session, need to smoke at least one blunt, one joint and one bowl out of every smoking device you can get your hands on. For the ever-important sesh at 4:20 p.m., you gotta go with the ounce blunt. Just get a bunch of friends together, pick up an ounce of weed, which will be cheap since you’re buying in bulk, and roll that sucker up into one jumbo sized blunt wrap. If rolled properly it should last well over an hour and should keep you high enough for a few days. But since its 4/20 you must keep going. I would also suggest eating some edibles, using all that kief you’ve been saving in your grinder, and then going somewhere in I.V. and eating way too much. Tonight, smoke a lot more weed and go check out Fleet Foxes or watch Clint Eastwood play a racist old man at I.V. Theater. Just make sure you try to smoke weed during and after these events as well. Finally, after such a long hard day of smoking, finish the night off with one last sesh and get ready for the off-season, where you have a lot of smoking to do in order to be prepared for next year’s 4/20.