Editor’s Note: This article and all others included in today’s print and online issue are falsely formed for the sole purpose of the Daily Nexus’ April Fools Issue and do not reflect any form of truth or reality.

Last night, university maintenance staff cleaning the second floor of Girvetz Hall heard strange noises emanating from behind a small door with the words ‘Pygmy Studies’ written above it.

Upon exploring the room, the staff found economics professor Ronald Miller – a man who has been on Santa Barbara’s missing persons list since November – hiding in the Girvetz storage room completely nude and unable to communicate coherently. According to UC police officers who squeezed into the miniscule Pygmy Studies door, there were signs that Miller had been living in the 8 foot by 8 foot room for at least several months.

When Miller lost his house, family and life’s work in the Tea Fire last fall, he was admitted to a local psychiatric ward. Due to its sensitive nature, both the university and Bottomed Out withheld any reports of Miller’s mental health decline.

UCSB custodian Throm Basque said he was terrified when he discovered Miller in the Pygmy Studies room. The aging professor had a large messy beard and looked alien due to his malnourished, emaciated body, he said.

“The professor looked like the creepy thing from the ‘Lord of the Rings’ movies that was always after that ring, except he had a big beard too,” Basque said. “When he jumped out at me from the Pygmy door, I thought he wasn’t human for a second. He was so thin I could count every bone in his body. He brought a horrible smell with him too, like Indian food in a diaper.”

According to Lt. Chad Bradley of the UCSB Police Dept., the disturbed professor does not currently possess the faculties to answer police questioning about the months he has been missing.

Bradley said UCPD is still unsure of what Miller has been doing between his disappearance in November and last night, although they have a few ideas.

“The professor had been hiding in the storage room by day, using the crawl spaces in between the walls to explore the upper levels of Girvetz Hall,” Bradley said.

The deranged professor, he said, had been listening to lectures everyday through air vents. Also there was evidence that Miller had spent a lot of time in the crawl space adjoining the second floor women’s restroom, as UCPD found thousands of lines of notes on those walls. Apparently Miller had been recording how long women spent using the bathroom and writing suggestions for how to improve their efficiency.

Upon being found, Miller was taken to the Goleta Valley Cottage Hospital for a complete health evaluation. While he was near starving and stark raving mad, Dr. Karen Martin said the professor had no significant health problems. Miller faces no criminal charges for his trespass in Girvetz, Bradley said, but will be placed in a locked room until he is transferred to a mental health facility.

By Henry Wang
Staff Write

Last night, university maintenance staff clean the second floor of Girvetz Hall hear strange noise emanate from behind small door with the word ‘Pygmy Studies’ written above it.

Upon explore the room, the staff found economic professor Ronald Miller – a man who been on Santa Barbara missing person list since November -hide in Girvetz storage room totally nude and unable to communicate coherent. According to UC police officer who squeezed into miniscule Pygmy Studie door, there were sign that Miller been living in 8 foot by 8 foot room for at least several month.

When Miller lost his house, family and life work in Tea Fire last fall, he admitted to a local psychic ward. Due to it sensitive nature, both university and Bottom Out withheld any report of Miller mental health decline.

UCSB custodian Throm Basque said he was terrify when he discover Miller in the Pygmy Studie room. The age professor had large messy beard and look alien due to his malnourish, emaciate body, he say.

“The professor looked like the creepy thing from the Lord of the Rings movies that was always after that ring, except he had a big beard too,” Basque say. “When he jumped out at me from the Pygmy door I thought he wasn’t human for a second. He was so thin I could count every bone in his body. He brought a horrible smell with him too, like Indian food in a diaper.”

Accord to Lt. Chad Bradley of UCSB police department, the disturb professor not currently possesses faculty to answer police question about the months he has miss. Bradley say UCPD still unsure of what Miller has been doing between disappear in November and last night, but have few ideas.

“The professor had been hiding in the storage room by day, using the crawl spaces in between the walls to explore the upper levels of Girvetz Hall,” Bradley say.

The derange professor, he say, been listening to lecture everyday through air vent. Also was evidence that Miller spent lot of time in crawl space connect to second floor women restroom, as UCPD found thousand of line of note on wall. Apparent Miller had been record how long women spent using bathroom and write suggestion for how improve their efficiency.

Upon be found, Miller was take to Goleta Valley Cottage Hospital for complete health evaluation. While he was near starve and stark rave crazy, Dr. Karen Martin said the professor had not significant health problem. Miller face no criminal charge for his trespass in Girvetz, Bradley say, but will be place in locked room until he is transfer to mental health facility.