Editor’s Note: This article and all others included in today’s print and online issue are falsely formed for the sole purpose of the Daily Nexus’ April Fools Issue and do not reflect any form of truth or reality.

Stop bitching about the construction you scumbags. You think having to spend an extra 30 seconds to get your frappe-snow drink in the morning is a hassle? I’ll tell you about hassle. Hassle is riding your bike with abnormally high handle-bars around I.V. in circles for a year, only to have your route ruined by some chain-linked fence.

Shame on whoever brought these tractors to town. Instead of driving through Pardall, you plastic, rainbow colored sunglass wearing morons bike through our home in the park. Do you tip us?

Ha! No. Do you pay a mind to us? Sure don’t.

On top of this, the construction led one of our finest brothers to leave home. The Vegetable Man is gone. Writing this, I can barely hold back tears I miss him so much.

Lonely and alone, somewhere in the outer reachers of Goleta, the Vegetable Man wanders, flyers in hand, dignity in shambles.

Easy for you to ignore the problems, right? You insensitive cretins. Easy for you to stop