Editor’s Note: This article and all others included in today’s print and online issue are falsely formed for the sole purpose of the Daily Nexus’ April Fools Issue and do not reflect any form of truth or reality.
At 1:34 a.m. last night, Bill’s Bus careened off the side of the road and burst into flames on the corner of Calle Real and Hollister Avenue. Six hundred and eighty-two UCSB students were pronounced dead at the scene.
According to police reports, the shuttle bus departed Old Town Tavern and was headed toward Isla Vista when a cigarette became enmeshed in a female passenger’s hair, causing the flammable propellants in her hairspray to burst into flames. The situation turned lethal when a male passenger, in an attempt to extinguish the blaze, doused the victim with a water bottle filled with Jameson Irish Whiskey.
California Highway Patrol Officer Admiral Nelson said his department arrived at the scene to find the vehicle completely consumed by flames and the passengers trapped inside.
“It was horrible,” Nelson said. “The electric doors had melted shut and you could hear the frantic screams of students burning alive over Rhianna’s ‘Disturbia’ still blaring on the sound system.”
Santa Barbara Fire Dept. Captain Morgan said his team was too late to save the vast majority passengers from the inferno.
“We did everything we could,” Morgan said. “But the sheer volume of bodies mixed with the vapor-like qualities of mass amounts of alcohol in such a compact space was just too much.”
While over six hundred students would meet their death in Bill’s Bus that night, Morgan said his team did manage to scour the charred remains and retrieve the victim’s personal belongings, which will be returned to their respective families.
“We found everything in that bus – it was like a tomb. We recovered flasks, drug paraphernalia, nearly 500 pairs of plastic neon sunglasses and countless iPhones, which we had to pry from the corpses’ cold, dead hands,” Nelson said. “Some of bodies appeared to retain the ability to text message even after they had been pronounced dead.”
Students and community members affected by the tragedy have already begun organizing a mass memorial service to commemorate the victims.
“We are planning on permanently parking Bill’s Bus outside Embarcadero Hall and erecting a shrine inside the scorched shell,” Jackie Daniels, a third-year sociology major, said. “We want students to contribute mementos of the victims to exhibit inside the bus as a tribute to those lost in the accident. Like, for example, I tucked the last picture my roommate and I ever took karaokeing at OTT inside her chocolate UGG boots.”
Despite the extraordinarily high death toll, Jimmy Beam, a fifth-year global studies major, managed to escape through an emergency exit hatch in the ceiling.
“I was already swinging on the hand rail attached to the roof, so when that bitch’s hair caught on fire I just pulled myself up and busted out,” Beam said. “Then I just went back to OTT because there was this girl I wanted to get with. She thought my story was sweet so I took her outside to check out the flames and we hooked up right there in the parking lot.”
Bill’s Bus will resume normal hours of operation tonight departing from in front of Embarcadero Hall every half hour beginning at 9:30 p.m. and picking up downtown every hour on the hour from 10 p.m. until 2 a.m. Bill’s Bus fare is $10 round trip.