Editor’s Note: This article and all others included in today’s print and online issue are falsely formed for the sole purpose of the Daily Nexus’ April Fools Issue and do not reflect any form of truth or reality.

Yikes! Am I ever in rapture. I’m in a state of orgasmic symphony, and my inner bells are cacophanizing in their knowledge that the class of 2009 will have for its commencment speaker, the greatest overweight, physical comedian of our time, Chris Farley.

Oh really? Chris Farley? Isn’t he dead? Yes, of course he’s dead. But therein lies the beauty. You see, I work in Cheadle Hall, and every day I overhear the University bigwigs dishing out campus gossip.

Unsure who exactly I saw talking, what I know is that the man was blabbing away on his Blackberry about Craigslist personal ads, budget cuts, and this year’s commencement plans.

As it turns out, the school is so broke we couldn’t afford to get any famous alumni or anyone half respectable for that matter. Instead, the university hired TV personality John Edward, of “Crossing Over” fame – the show where he talks to the dead – for $4,500 and a free guided tour of the Marine Science Institute’s touch tank. As part of the agreement, Edward will invite the spirit of Chris Farley to give the commencement speech.

Rather than bore us with some successful guy no student knows the name of, or any woman, UCSB is giving its graduating seniors a chance to hear a legend tell it how it really is.

Enjoy the spirit of Farley, knowing it won’t tell you you are the future, or ask you to change the world. Instead, it will tell us what no living man can. Because living men, are not dead.

And only the dead can know what to say when time loses meaning and life is a trivial afterthought. Only dead comedians can really expose the truisms of today, the horns of humanity, the superficialities of society.

No wait, what the hell am I talking about? Why should Farley know anything?

And what the hell are the horns of humanity?