Fuck you, UCSB. You think I don’t have better things to do on the first Monday night of Spring Quarter than amuse you in short column form? Some of us have beer pong dynasties to attend to. I’m not your fucking monkey. But if I actually were your monkey, I’d probably have cymbals. Those are pretty chill. Also, I’d have a cool hat. Man, this job would be way sweeter if they provided me with a free hat. Oh well. Enjoy your Tuesday classes folks — I’ll probably be too hung over to see you there.

Tomorrow’s forecast: Is it alcoholism if you get plastered on a Monday and then drink to cure your Tuesday hangover? Fuck.