I know this is kind of old news, but I feel it’s important for you all to know. Michael Phelps, American hero and holder of a million Olympic golds, has admitted to using performance-enhancing drugs. Well, not so much performance-enhancing, unless his next remarkable feat will be downing eight bags of Doritos and watching Half-Baked for the 17th time. That’s right, Phelps was caught smoking pot at a college party months after his Beijing badassery. Then his bones disappeared and he collapsed into a pile on the couch. Be careful kids: smoke weed and you might end up like Michael Phelps.

Tomorrow’s forecast: Kids across the land emulate their favorite hero, but are shocked to find it doesn’t make them great athletes. Is Guitar Hero a sport?