Chuck Norris died yesterday. No he didn’t, I just made that up. But for those of you who just flipped out, I have to ask: Why on earth would you care? And don’t say compassion for a fellow human being, because like a quarter of a million people died today and I don’t see you crying about them. Have you ever even watched a full episode of “Walker, Texas Ranger”? Yeah, me neither. Because it’s bad. Like his movies.

Tomorrow’s forecast: Chuck actually dies, and I feel like an ass. And then the CIA arrests me.