One of the perks of being the ‘human is my many visits to the restricted areas of campus. Just recently, I wielded my awesome meteorological sway to get myself to the top of Storke Tower, and it was everything I dreamed it would be. I even got to meet the bell player, and I feel like a dick for ever having made fun of how shitty his chimes sound. Turns out he’s a lonely, half-retarded hunchback whose only friends are gargoyles. Who would have guessed he’d be a film major?

Tomorrow’s forecast: The ‘human makes it rain on UCSB from Storke Tower. Look out below.