Care to play a little game, compliments of Google? Type the words “screaming sex” into the search box, then sit back like a retired trucker at a Reno slot machine and listen to that jackpot clink: HOT amateur girls SCREAMING sex XXX!!! Paris Hilton moaning screaming sex video!!! Screaming Housewives Fucked by Creepy Robbers!!!

Need I go on?

Screaming is as key to porn as apple pie and terrorism are to America. I call it the Squeal Factor, and few lube-and-Kleenex-wielding males have blown a load without it. But our fake-tittied friends aren’t the only ones pleasing the sex gods with song – a good number of us ladies are prone to letting loose. There are many occasions when our vocal chords grab the reigns, leaving us half-conscious, barely able to recollect that “Star-Spangled Banner” climax you just gave us. However, I can’t help but wonder whether the
other 90 percent of our wailing is simply life imitating art.

Can porn take credit for our screaming culture?

Look a bit more closely into that Web search and you’ll find there’s a market for yelpers. Screaming Orgasm cocktails, Screaming O sex toys and even a line of extreme penile enlargement treatments guaranteed to “keep her screaming” (though they fail to mention her running in the other direction). Someone in the industry found the golden ticket and it’s been spreading like wildfire: Squealing sells, both in the bed and out.

I must say, gentlemen, I get the hype. What better way to get off than to an audible confirmation of your awesomeness? I’ll bet it’s an empowering feeling having another person’s ecstasy at the tip of your winkie. And I’ll let you in on a secret: It reads clear as day on your little faces, giving us all the more reason to unleash that inner porn star.

Though the porners may have inspired the moan show, they didn’t invent it. Monkeys did.

Studies at the German Primate Center in Gottingen, Germany discovered that a female Barbary Macaque screams during sex to ensure her partner’s ejaculation. Primatologists found that the louder a lady hollers, the faster and harder her gent thrusts, ultimately resulting in a love explosion of epic proportions. All that’s missing is the celebratory cigarette. Creationism, my ass.

So, we’ve established screaming gets the job done, but there are some girls who should be banned from the sport for life. You know the kind I’m talking about – the bleach blonde Buffys of cheap porn. She scrunches her face and purses her lips, all the while maintaining an incessant, unvarying “Ohwuh! Ohwuh!” in a tone that would make you think Neiman’s discontinued her favorite handbag.

As much as I delight in ragging on the fellas, I refuse to believe any of them are stupid enough to buy into this. There’s a difference between an intentional outward expression and a bald-faced lie. Ladies, the rules are plain and simple. If you don’t feel it, don’t squeal it. I realize it’s easy to get caught up in the glamour of porn star sex, but a) you’re not a porn star, b) there are no lights, cameras, make-up or prosthetic members and c) you’re having sex with a real person who has real feelings. No one appreciates being deceived out of courtesy.

On the other side of the spectrum, there are some women who take “if you don’t feel it, don’t squeal it” to soaring heights. You ladies have an uncanny talent for doing the nasty in mime-like silence (I’ve heard that sex-in-a-box routine is quite impressive as well). While I applaud your authenticity and refusal to give him false confidence, it’s important to remember that your partner needs some reassurance that he’s pleasing you. Or at least that you’re not dead. Don’t like his style? Tell him. And when he’s finally hit that magic spot, let out an appreciative cry that lets him know he should stay… right… there.

As long as we’re not jumping through hoops, it doesn’t hurt to put our healthy pipes to use. While you’re at it, open the window and let your neighbors in on the fun. Belting Bonnie and I go head-to-head. Bring it on, bitch.