I come before you with a modest proposal. As Proposition 8 has passed and California has declared marriage as the legal recognition to the consensual partnership between a male and female, it has me worried. Partnership between male and female what? Male and female electrical plug? Next thing you know, a human male will be able to marry a female dog. Obviously you can see how this leads to a slippery slope. Something as sacred as marriage cannot be altered like this. We must recognize that any legal partnership that provides a male and female joint custody is nothing more than a civil union and tarnishes the true value of marriage.

My friends, marriage is not some consensual decision that is made between a male and female. We must stop indoctrinating children by teaching them this. Instead, we must view marriage by the true historical tradition that was brought forth when the institution was conceived. Such a tradition is a sacred one and enshrined in rich historical values that define what it truly means to be married. That institution is the arrangement by one family to purchase the daughter of another family.

If we want to get to the true definition of marriage, we must first act by enslaving all women and making them the property of their families. Obviously there are concerns here. You’re thinking “Jonathan! That it absurd! How can you do that?” I understand, with the economy the way it is, it will be hard to tell what the going market value for a woman might be. However, staying with tradition, we can measure their value by examining how effective they will be at working a plow. This will also be an important test to check their endurance, which will be crucial in purchasing the right woman for childrearing. Popping out a couple dozen kids while working out in the fields to harvest the seasonal crop is an important trait when in the market for a marriage. Don’t worry if you make a mistake and purchase a defective unit because California Lemon Laws are there to help ensure that you will eventually receive a quality product.

Once you have found the woman you are looking to buy, have your family contact their family and engage in the bidding negotiations. Remember to always lowball whatever the family wants. If they demand 40 cattle in exchange for her, offer 30. If they say 35, tell them 32. Once the negotiations have been set, draw up a property contract to make the purchase. Then you’re set! You can now be pronounced husband and property, you may own the bride.

We need to make sure that marriage returns to these true origins and not be altered by some radical opinion that women somehow have the ability to enter into a consensual relationship. It is important we regard this illustrious tradition by arriving on one single all-inclusive definition that reflects a marginalized moral view of society. So I urge you to join me in getting the Defense For the True Tradition of Marriage Amendment put onto the next election ballot. If you don’t do it for yourself, then at least think of the children. It is important that my child know that mommy was bought in exchange for 20 oxen. Only then can we truly understand and cherish the true values of marriage.