The booty call invented casual sex. Need proof? Think of our world without it. The long courtships, the cutesy phone calls, the forced attentiveness, oh my. The long nights spent feigning interest in her prized bobble head collection. The afternoons spent watching his Rock Band-obsessed roommate shriek, “Wanted, dead or aliiiiiive,” before his imaginary groupies. The thankless effort to be tight with her crew when the only “tight” you’d like to experience is your manhood nestled between her bosom.
The booty call, in all its shameless glory, has restored the “quick” in quickie. Sometimes we’re looking for more of a joy ride than a money-down commitment, so why beat around the bush? We’re students – we’ve got books to crack and couches to burn. Booty calls are like the CliffsNotes of sexual wooing. They extract the essential from the excess, simplifying our pursuit into one clear-cut message: I want to fuck.
As you blast full-force into your booty-calling frenzy, you may come to find that there are only so many ways to phrase “I want to fuck” before you start sounding like a Neanderthal. Be it in rhyme, Pig Latin or Russian, it eventually won’t be enough to compel her to bike across I.V. at 1 a.m. in the rain. Sure, the beauty of casual booty is that it’s nearly effortless, but no one likes a one-trick pony. Why not add a little variety to your sexy summons?
First off, booty calls don’t have to be strictly a nighttime affair. We’re Gauchos – we’re horny around the clock, so why suppress it until sundown? Daytime booty calls can add a little spice to your day, whether it’s a “meet me on the seventh floor of Davidson pronto” or a blow-you-later deal. The anticipation can keep your blood rushing straight through Econ 101, generating so much suspense that you won’t be able to unzip those knickers fast enough.
Now, let’s shake up the most common form of booty call: the boot-e-call. This includes anything transmitted electronically, be it a phone call, text, Facebook message, etc. Personally, I’ve always been a fan of the visual. Those of you with the same disposition may delight in opening your inbox to a few pixels of naughtiness. If your camera is poor quality, don’t sweat it – it makes a fun guessing game. “Hint: It goes in your mouth.”
Also worth a whack in the ‘e-call world is something I call “The Scale.” On a scale of 1 to 10, rate your level of horniness and then divide it by the number of hours your roommate will be out. The higher the number, the faster your recipient best be haulin’ ass to your pad. Make sure your fuck buddy understands the meaning behind the ratio, unless you’d like her to think you rated her performance in last week’s romp a three. Enjoy that punch in the face.
Another favorite is the good, old-fashioned memory jog. Simply send your hookup a vivid description of an act from a past visit that you’d like repeated – immediately. Example: “You caressing my breasts while I come on your tongue.” He’ll be at your door before you can blink an eye.
If you think ‘e-calls are the dandiest, then you’ve obviously never tried code calls. These are booty calls achieved through a third party. A perfect opportunity awaits you if your roommate shares a class with your object of interest. Mention in passing to your roommate that she should inform him of the “sizable swell today.” After all, you’re both surfers. This should be established with your hookup as code for, “Ass here, pants off,” and he should report to you ASAP, sporting his own sizable swell.
Feel like puttin’ it in print? Run your code call as a fake birthday ad in the Nexus. Shhh… you didn’t hear that one from me.
But no matter the time, place or booty call style, it’s important to make sure the intention is clear for both parties involved. And by clear, I don’t mean “six beautiful months” down the line. In my book, the game is void if the other doesn’t know it’s a game. So don’t be a jerk, lay it all out on the table, and for Pete’s sake, enjoy being footloose and fancy free.