The Naked Mile
Sun., Oct 19, 3:55 a.m. – Deputies were dispatched to the field near the intersection of Camino Lindo and Del Playa Drive on reports of an intoxicated male passed out naked.

Officers found the subject standing in the field, with blue athletic shorts on. He had no other clothing with him, nor was he carrying any personal belongings. The deputies also noticed his face was bruised and there was a small amount of blood on his chest.

He told the deputies he had been at an “anything but clothes party” but that he could not remember when or where he took his clothes off, nor could he attest to whose shorts he was wearing.

According to people at the party, the 21-year-old perpetrator had shown up stark naked and attempted to dance with some of the attending ladies. He was the only one without clothing on and was not known to anyone there.

Not long after arriving, a pack of men told the naked Santa Barbara City College student to leave, but he refused and attempted to fight them. This led to a brawl of sorts, though most of the guys didn’t want to get too close.

How he arrived at the park he could not say. When asked why he had walked into a stranger’s house naked, he simply laughed and said he was at an “anything but clothes party.”

Fearing for the man’s safety, the deputies arrested the man and transported him to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was given an orange jumpsuit and housed, pending sobriety.

I Am America, and So Can You
Thurs., Oct. 16, 11:54 a.m. – Deputies on patrol near the intersection of Embarcadero Del Norte and Madrid Road noticed a young man seated on the curb, apparently passed out.

Upon closer investigation, the officers recognized the 19-year-old man from earlier that night. Thirty minutes prior, the deputies had contacted the man, who could barely walk at that time, and told him to head straight home. He clearly had not succeeded.

The deputies attempted to rouse the heavily inebriated man, but he simply muttered a stream of incoherent gibberish in response. The officers then asked the slumping sidewalk sleeper for his name, and he replied, “America.” Further police investigation proved this to be a false name.

The intoxicated was asked to complete his alphabet, but the first year UCSB student failed miserably. Due to the copious amounts of alcohol he had no doubt consumed that night, he had apparently lost the ability to speak in English.

Later, after his condition had improved slightly, he told the deputies he believed he was in Santa Cruz.

Instead of correcting him, the officers arrested him and took him to one place where he couldn’t mistake his surroundings for Santa Cruz: the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Nintendo Pii
Fri., Oct. 17, 12:15 a.m. – Deputies working the late night patrol received a call concerning an intoxicated male refusing to leave another individual’s apartment.

The officers arrived at the apartment complex and located the apartment in question. There they witnessed a heavily intoxicated male urinating inside the apartment’s living room.

With his legs spread wide and his pants halfway down his behind, the 20-year-old SBCC students was pissing all over the resident’s DVD player, X-Box game console and numerous DVDs.

The deputies knocked on the front door and were greeted by the tenant and the unwelcome guest. In heavily slurred speech, the inebriated man stated, “I’m their friend.”

Even as he spoke with the officers, the young man refused to leave the apartment and adamantly denied having peed on the entertainment console. He wore a blank expression on his face and was very slow to respond to questions.

The deputy then noticed a large wet spot on the front on his pants and asked the stubborn young man why he was wet. He responded by saying, “I used to date that girl but not now I guess.”

It is not, however, the job of the Isla Vista Foot Patrol to deal with relationship problems. Instead, deputies arrested the man and transported him to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.