All right, granted, watching the unfortunate exploits of the blacked-out freshmen gallivanting around Del Playa Drive provides a certain degree of amusement for us upperclassmen. Their antics take me back to the nights of yesteryear, of mile-long walks-of-shame (strides-of-pride?), passing out in bushes because the dorms are just too damn far and conning my way into parties where I knew nobody but was accepted because I looked so cute in my angel wings and caution-tape-made mini-dresses.

But really, I find the transition of becoming a senior girl at UCSB a somewhat distressing one. I am suddenly expected to have learned something since the dorm daze, become more mature, more sophisticated and more able to handle my liquor. But more than that, the sheer demographics of Isla Vista have pushed us upperclassmen chicks to a phase I really hadn’t suspected we’d reach until at least our late-50s: cougars. That’s right. Think of it this way: You go to a dance party and dance your heart out with everyone there, never thinking to discriminate against those with less chest hair and somewhat pitchy voices, who aren’t familiar with how to pour beer from a keg and have not yet mastered the delicate art of flip cup. At least 75 percent of the parties we wander into, we senior girls will have entered cougar territory. And I’m not sure that is entirely acceptable. At least not at 21.

Sometimes, in the blur of the party, it’s hard to pick up on the tell-tale sign of the legal-but-tender freshmen boys. Are those cherubic cheeks glowing from youth or booze? Are they hairless seniors on the swim team or simply pre-pubescent? It is far too difficult to tell these days. Are they licking my face because they’re too drunk to find my mouth or have they really just shamefully failed to master a French kiss in the two weeks they’ve been at college? I guess, in summation, I make this plea to freshman boys: Identify yourselves. I’m too damn young to be prowling as a cougar this year, and I also wish to avoid getting any statutory rape/providing alcohol to minors tickets this year. Thanks!