The first week of school is a sex columnist’s dream. You may think I’m referring to the hoards of mini-skirt-clad greek hopefuls prowling Embarcadero del Mar in search of a dick to complement their pledge pins, but it’s so much more than that. I’m talking about the raw, animal arousal that goes on behind closed doors — classroom doors, that is. Professors clutch their podiums, pouring out the ambitious contents of their syllabi in hushed tones. Their listeners lap up every word, softly retorting, “C’mon, baby, is that all you got?” And then, like an atomic bomb Professor McNasty drops the words “three midterms,” to which the class shudders and whispers, “Ooh… you wouldn’t dare.” They just don’t make porn this good.

We should all take example from our professors. I’m not sure what goes on in the world of Ph.D. candidacy, but it must involve whips and nipple clamps, because they’re experts in academic kinkiness. And as any expert would know, nothing whets the appetite for getting screwed (in the bedroom or in the grading system) like a hearty helping of dirty talk.

I’m not simply talking about the usual vanilla, “I’m-going-to-stick-it-in-you-and-make-you-come” routine. Unless you’re a 13-year-old crank calling 1-800-TITTIES, that shit just won’t fly anymore. The kind of dirty I’m talking about is the stuff of educated collegians, with plotlines and characters and conflicts and reflections of existentialism in a post-Enlightenment society. All right, that may be pushing it, but you get the idea. Dirty talk is an art and should be treated as such. It should paint a picture of what you want to bring to life — and the more vividly you talk the talk, the more ground you have for walking the walk.

I know it’s not always easy. For me, nothing used to flip on my shy switch like being paired with a sex-talking Shakespeare. He would be well into describing our fifth position and comparing my hooha to a summer’s day, while I’d be stuck on “I’m doing… dirty things… to you.” It can be difficult to find a rhythm with a more dominant talker, especially when their fantasies can’t be met by your impromptu capabilities. So do as any improv artist would and practice in your off time.

Make a game of it. While spacing out in PSTAT 5A, choose a victim — the person next to you, the professor, the TA, whatever. As quickly as you can, come up with 10 things you’d do to them right then and there, in explicit detail. After you throw him against the wall, where will your hands go? Will you unzip his jeans with your teeth? Would you reach over your desk and slide your hand under her skirt? Would you bend her over her chair like the slut she is?

However, no matter how well rehearsed you are, it’s important to keep it raw and in-the-moment when you’re given the stage. Because really, no girl wants to hear a fill-in-her-name fantasy about fucking in front of the screen projector in Campbell Hall. Talk about things that pertain specifically to your partner, relevant to the time and place. And if the mood just so happens to take the talk beyond the bedroom — who knows, maybe to a desert island or on the hood of an UCPD patrol car — then, by George, you follow that mood wherever it wants to go.

The whole fun of dirty talk is pushing limits. But at the same time, you don’t want trample them. Be mindful of where to draw the line, especially with first-time partners you fancy seeing again. It’s true that during sex, just about anything goes, but you also might want to consider how awkward things will get tomorrow after you’ve told her you’d like to watch her go down on her mother. Save the deep, dark freak-sesh for a partner you’ve got a better feel for.

Also, be cautious with name-calling. No matter how heated the moment gets, there are some people who will never enjoy being called a cum-slurping cunt-whore (hard to believe, I know). The wider her eyes get, the farther you step back — because nothing kills a dirty-talking buzz like a knee to the balls.

It’s a long, dusty road to dirt mastery, but a road worth taking. Who knows, one day you just might find yourself behind the podium. And with a mouth like that, you bet they’ll be asking for longer office hours.