Loitering in the Streets with Demons
Sun., Aug. 2, 2:47 a.m. — Officers working the late shift received a call concerning a man loitering at the 7-Eleven convenience store on Hollister Avenue.

According to the employee, the 35-year old man was leaning his face against the front windows, pressing his lips against the glass and leaving slobbery smooches for the clerk.

When the deputy arrived, he asked the late-night lover what his name was. The man was quick to answer: “God,” he told the officer.

Unfazed, the officer asked what the man was doing. “Purples fives in my eyes,” he replied.

The psychedelic poet continued, uttering more strange answers when questioned. When asked his address, he mentioned a “Thermo Nuclear Device” and at one point began speaking in numbers.

And when he wasn’t articulating the outlandish and bizarre, he would stand with his eyes closed and refuse to answer any questions.

The officer could not detect the presence of alcohol, but judging from his weird behavior, arrested the 35-year old man for public intoxication of a controlled substance and transported him to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Angels in the Bike Rack
Tues., July 29, 9:44 a.m. — Officers on a patrol down Embarcadero Del Norte came across a young woman passed out between a pair of bikes parked in front of Freebirds.

The deputies approached the sidewalk sleeper and observed that she had soiled her pants and had what appeared to be dried spit and leftover food on her chin.

When the officers awoke the weeknight reveler, she was extremely disoriented. She could not remember her own name and told the deputies she was at her home in Agoura Hills, Calif., some 70 miles from Isla Vista.

Seeing that the officer was skeptical of her story, she added that she was “walking home” to Agoura Hills with her friend. When asked what friend she was walking with, the 23-year-old woman pointed towards the sky and said “him.”

However, the deputy knew that not even holy providence could have steered the drunk woman home that night. Instead, he arrested and transported her to the Santa Barbara County Jail where she was housed, pending sobriety.

Doggie Heaven or Just the Dog House?
Sun., July 20, 2:43 a.m. — Residents of 6744 Sabado Tarde Rd. contacted the Isla Vista Foot Patrol to report an unknown female wandering around their front yard, barefoot.

When the deputies contacted the 22-year-old woman, she was unable to speak coherently or provide answers to simple questions such as her name or address.

Additionally, her face was covered in what appeared to be mud, and when the officers stood a little closer, they were overwhelmed by the familiar smell of vomit and alcohol.

When asked why she was in a stranger’s yard, she informed the deputies that she was trying to locate her missing dog. There was one slight problem with her story, however: Her dog lived with her parents in the Bay Area.

The officer decided to let the dog story slide, and again asked the young woman where she lived. She began uttering numbers, but the deputy eventually discovered she was simply reciting a phone number.

Hoping for at least one legitimate answer, the officer then asked the barefoot, mud-covered, vomit-reeking loiterer for her phone number, but she replied by repeatedly saying her last name.

Clearly unable to care for herself, the officer arrested the severely confused woman, and transported her to the Santa Barbara County Jail where she was housed, pending sobriety.