David Cook won American Idol! Thank goodness. If that 12-year-old pathetic excuse for a singer David Archuleta had won, I would have had to completely disown the show and the American people. Oh, he’s 17? I never would have guessed.

This win for my man — yeah, he’s mine — means a couple things. The first, most obvious and greatest thing: there will be lots more David Cook singing amazing songs, and I do believe we can all agree that this is the first step to create a truly peaceful world. This is, of course, as long as David Cook — why do I always feel the need to say his whole name? — doesn’t join the ranks of Fantasia, Taylor Hicks and Ruben Studdard in the A.I. graveyard.

The second fantastic thing about David Cook’s victory is that there is a greater possibility that we will get to see him dancing and singing without pants more often. Ooo, scandalous!

Number three is actually a negative. David Archuleta’s dad is a crazy mo-fo and a complete stage dad. He pushes his son way too hard, which stresses poor David out and makes him cry. I know I give David Archuleta a hard time for being such a tiny baby, but now I just feel bad for him. Now that David Archuleta’s lost, I’m afraid his dad will go absolutely insane. Stay strong, baby David!

The next few months shall be interesting in the life of our new Idol David Cook. The only thing I would change about him? Add a lip piercing. Am I right?