Nine residents in a three-bedroom Del Playa apartment force Gauchos to find inventive ways to remain discreet while screwing around in crowded rooms and filled fiestas. Many Isla Vista legends have found ways to bust an inconspicuous nut. Pirate can be spotted sneaking out of vacant summer homes after some sweet-sweet booty looting. And then there’s the large orange VW bus on Pasado, which lacks door locks but sports a convenient retro bed in the back. Beyond these notorious tales are the everyday occurrences of Isla Vistans getting it on and getting creative in the process.

My house was having a party while my lucky pick and I took our naughty matters to the bathroom. So as not to appear an improper hostess – and to make this hookup excitingly secretive – when the steamy sesh was finished, I made him hide in the shower so we could both escape inconspicuously. But after I walked out unsnarling my hair and adjusting my panties, he had to creepily listen while this poor unsuspecting girl pissed like a racehorse.

Bathrooms are always a safe escape when you and your sexy are in bed and decide you’re both not ready for night-night, but friends are passed out in the same room. However, sink counter positions can get tricky when drunk. Soberly, she may not bend that way. Balance and coordination issues are sure to out you and your partner when her leg on your shoulder sloppily knocks over the toothbrushes. My advice: Have the guy sit on the closed toilet as the girl bounces on his lap. The stability, the jiggling boobs, mutual control with his hands grasping tightly on her hips – not to mention the mirrors – makes this easy-to-do position crazy sexy and pleasurable. Also, when escaping to the bathroom for some together time, beware of the tile acoustics, which can make your before-lecture shower moans audible to your entire apartment duplex.

If the sex gets too rowdy and there is no place to go, then take it down a notch and partake in the slightly more discrete pleasures while hooking up in an occupied room. Respectfully, a good idea is to have a soft music playlist on your iHome that won’t disturb your slumbering roomie but may buff out the sensual sighs and the occasional slapping slobber sound. Girls, lesson #1: They can do it better themselves, so skip the dry, uncomfortable handjob and just get down and dirty. Boys: Drunk fingering equals sore vagina, so snuggle under those covers and find out how many licks it really takes.

Politeness tip: Your housemates know you have sex. It has lost its “getting caught” appeal. Avoid it. Late night living room romps should be kept to a minimum noise level. And oddly enough, they’ll notice the couch has moved by the new TV angle, so put it back in its original place. Discard all condoms and wrappers.

Sometimes there is an erotic thrill in the chance of getting caught, but make sure you’re aware of that situation. I know this girl who went on a weekend date party with her current lover, and after a few bus-ride beer bongs on the way to Rosarito, she got a little too adventurous and shamed her sober self. For the next three days she kept hearing about the “crazy Thursday bus” where there was puking, passing out, spontaneous dance parties and some girl who tried to have sex in the bathroom but decided to move her inebriated seduction to the front seat and give him head instead. It wasn’t until the long recovery ride home she found out: She was that girl.

But in the end, I think I am most impressed with my friend who studied abroad and ended her night hooking up with this hot Spaniard in an 18-bed co-ed hostel room. I suspect everyone heard them, but awkwardness and language barriers kept the other travelers from speaking up. But hey, as they say in España: Vale la pena. Roughly translated: It’s worth it if you’re gonna get laid.