Have you ever struggled to figure out the most polite way to reject the offer of a threesome? Have you wondered how soon is too soon to book it out of the bed the morning after a one-night stand? These aren’t exactly appropriate questions for Dear Abby, but they’re valid concerns – you never know when your hot hook-up is going to turn up on the other side of the desk at a job interview.
Of course, as UCSB students, we’ve been the recipients of a crash course in sexual etiquette. When I was a freshman, I went to give my guy of the night a blowjob. But after a few minutes, he tapped me on the top of my head and asked me to stop. Apparently, I had let my teeth get in the way and was closer to making him bleed than making him cum. I was offended… for about two seconds, and then I realized that this guy was doing me a huge favor.
I’m not saying it’s always appropriate to point out your lover’s shortcomings in bed, but there is a time and a place for honesty. If it would embarrass your partner to not know the truth, tell them. I would want to know if he hated my favorite sex position because it’s likely to sprain his dick, but I would rather remain ignorant – and blissful – if he found my O-face unattractive. You can’t change that shit.
Then there’s the standard pick-up problem. When you meet a potential sex partner at a party or a bar, it’s always difficult to ascertain the proper amount of time to wait before you drag them to bed. You’re bound to blow your chances if you immediately try to drag her out the door during an introductory handshake, but wait too long and she’s on the arm of another dude. Say hello, buy her a drink, carry on a conversation without bringing up your ex-girlfriend or your penis and then make your move.
Once you manage to get her or him across your threshold, you really have to use your brainpower. How much should you expect on the first night? Or, if you’re the person who was picked up, what is required of you? I’m going to preface this by reinforcing the idea that nobody has to do anything they don’t want to, but there’s a thin line between a self-respecting woman and a cocktease. If you left the bar with this guy because you honestly believed he just wanted to show you his collection of Pink Floyd paraphernalia, feel free to take off as soon as you’ve watched “The Wall.” But if you were sticking your hand down his pants underneath the bar top and whispering naughty little nothings in his ear, don’t be surprised if you find his head between your legs.
Assuming you’ve crossed the first few pick-up hurdles with your original intention still intact, you then have to deal with the classic Isla Vista moral dilemma: What to do about the roommate? Although I’ve had silent sex with my roommate asleep in the room, I woke up the next morning regretting my tactless behavior. If you’re close with your roommate and they understand how desperate you are to get laid, wake them up and promise to buy them breakfast if they sleep on the couch. However, if you have sex with a different person every weekend and your poor roomie is fed up, bring your newfound lover to the garage, the yard or the back of your car. Hey, you’re killing two birds with one stone – your roommate won’t have to listen to the two of you making animal sounds, and there’s nothing hotter than public pussy.
Fashion designer Narciso Rodriguez once said, “Always: be cool. Never: not cool.” I’m sure he was referring to wardrobe choices, but the saying fits. Remember the mantra next time you find yourself scrounging for your underwear under the covers and trying to get out of your partner’s room before they wake up. I’m not saying you have to write the dude a thank-you note, but if you shared your genitals with a person, you can at least share a sincere goodbye.