Guitar Hero: After the VIP Party
Fri., April 25, 12:56 a.m. – Informed by numerous people of a man lying in the grass at Sea Outlook Park, located on the 6800 block of Del Playa Drive, a bicycle patrol officer made his way to the area.

When the deputy approached the park, he saw a man lying on his side, seemingly unconscious, with both his pants and underwear pulled down to mid-thigh. Despite his apparent efforts to stay dry, his trousers were soaked and the man stunk of urine.

Additionally, the 23-year old man was positioned in such a way that passersby were treated to the same view they would generally receive if they were a toilet seat. The man’s left shoe was also removed and sitting near his head.

The officer, fearing for the man’s health, called paramedics and attempted to rouse the urine-soaked, half-naked, mostly unconscious partier.

Succeeding in having the man open his eyes, the deputy asked the pungent-smelling sleeper for some basic information, such as his name and age. This man, however, had simply consumed too much to partake in simple conversation.

In response to the officer’s questions, the man rambled off a series of no’s and then strummed an imaginary air guitar.

After paramedics determined the man was not in need of immediate medical attention, he was arrested and transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Shit Does Indeed Happen When You Party Naked
Fri., April 25, 4:28 p.m. – A 35-year-old male meandering down the beach below the 6500 block of Del Playa Drive caught the eyes of nearly everyone in the vicinity, including those of the Isla Vista Foot Patrol.

Deputies watched as the man, who was stark naked, stumbled down the beach, approaching each successive cluster of bikini-clad ladies hoping he could convince one or a few of them to join him in their birthday suits. He was, needless to say, unsuccessful.

When the officers contacted the sauntering streaker, they told him to put his jeans back on. Clearly intoxicated, the man nearly fell over numerous times as he struggled to clothe himself.

With his package safely hidden behind his denim jeans, the 35-year-old told the officers that his nudity was the result of a $50 bet. However, the bet was not honored and the deputies then arrested the man and transported him to the Santa Barbara County Jail.

While en route to the jail, the man first apologized for his actions, admitting he was “an idiot.”

Unfortunately, his repentant ways did not last and the man soon became upset and began shouting at the officers. He started with the standard “fuck you” and then moved on to telling the officers that he was “evil” and that he wanted “to do evil things.”

Luckily for the loose-tongued nudist, the Santa Barbara County Jail had room to house self-proclaimed evil, naked idiots.

Rock Band: If Only This Singer Had Met With Our “Guitar Hero”
Sat., April 26, 12:12 p.m. – An officer patrolling near Greek Park on Embarcadero Del Norte watched as an intoxicated man stumbled around the sunlit park.

The 18-year-old day drinker nearly lost his balance several times as he walked toward a disc jockey that had set up in the park.

Upon reaching the DJ, the man took a microphone sitting on the table and screamed into it, causing much chagrin for the disc jockey, not to mention those within earshot of his speakers.

The deputy quickly intervened and escorted the 18-year-old male away from the microphone and toward somewhere more private.

The officer then asked the young man, who was clearly very drunk, where he lived. He told the deputy that he lived just up the street.

Hoping not to have to arrest him, the deputy told the male subject to walk straight home or else he would be arrested for public intoxication. He did as he was told and turned to walk home. The deputy, however, smartly followed to make sure he didn’t get in to any more trouble.

Not surprisingly, the drunk was easily distracted. Upon seeing a member of the opposite sex, the man abandoned his safe course and ran to the woman, picking her up. And although he had the strength to throw the young lady over his shoulder, he certainly did not have the balance for such a feat. They both came crashing down.

The young woman was uninjured and picked her self up easily, but as for the drunkard, he got a helping hand from the officer, who placed him under arrest. The man was later transferred to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.