This opinion piece appeared as part of the Nexus’ April Fools’ edition.

Tulips:

Sprightly, adventurous tulips to the Gaucho who rock climbed up Storke Tower. You didn’t leave us hanging for a moment, as you explained how to belay without ropes.

Decisive, long-awaited tulips to the Democratic Party for finally picking a candidate. We never could have guessed you would decide to pick a candidate that way.

Sexy, bare-bodied tulips to the righteous protest on the beach during midterms. Brews, babes and bikinis… who really needed Chem 1A when we had that happen?

Long-overdue, pleasurable tulips to the biology professor who made the awesome discovery of enjoying sex without the need of protection. Who would have known the ingredients were available in your fridge?

Frugal, free tulips to the bookstore for giving away free textbooks during the first week of classes. Who would have known it only took those three simple words?

Turds:

Unforgivable, full-bodied turds to the vat of Pilsner Urquell spilling delicious suds down the street for all to enjoy… near SBCC. Take the 217 next time, jackass.

Vegetarian, all-natural turds to that new food co-op, whose supply of that one delicious, organic fruit turned out to cause irritated bowels, erectile dysfunction and death.

Greedy, neglectful turds to the management company of the apartment ruins on Seville Road. For the ridiculous rent they charged, it was all the more tragic when the apartment building imploded after one renovation too many.

Constipated asshole turds to the douchebag freshman who somehow managed to convince the faculty making finals count for 100 percent of our grades was a good idea. We should have known it would be you. See you next year… if you’re lucky.