This opinion piece appeared as part of the Nexus’ April Fools’ edition.
Hello, all. If you’re looking for Nicki’s Nifty News today, you won’t find it. If you look for it tomorrow, you won’t find it either. Why is that? Well, she has been fired – finally – by the all-new, all-male InterNexus editors.
We here at the Nexus have been conducting some research for a while. What we found is that women just cannot write blogs. They create unfunny, uninformative posts that plainly aren’t worth reading.
Stuff White People Like? Come on, that’s just dumb and unoriginal.
Nicki was initially hired because we were trying out that whole “diversity” thing. Yes, we created a more diverse staff, but our content was disgraceful. Productivity was down, as well. What used to take us two hours to publish online took us four painful hours because some of the lady-folk insisted we all bond and order a pizza together. What is this, a fucking sleepover? Honestly, this is a very serious workplace. We come into the Nexus office to publish a paper, not to fool around and gossip.
As is true with most everything, there are some exceptions regarding female bloggers. Women belong in the kitchen and because of this, they can be authors of some exceptional cooking blogs. Also, women have an amazing ability to make the bathroom sparkle, so their cleaning blogs prove to be quite useful. Other than that, blogs authored by women are unworthy of your time.
Nicki, gone. Enter me. My name is Tristan and I plan on delivering to you, my readers, some excellent man-news. Expect full coverage of college basketball games, updates on the 2008 baseball season, discussion of steroid use in sports and basically, all things sports. I never turn off SportsCenter, and neither should you.
Welcome to a new generation of the InterNexus, helping men achieve their dreams and keeping women in their place.