This opinion piece appeared as part of the Nexus’ April Fools’ edition.

Astrological Signs:

Welfaries (Protestors):
Even though it’s spring, there’s still that random injustice that rightfully has you angry. There is no better way to express your outrage at that latest environmental crisis than by ripping up fliers and spreading them around campus. Plus, a 10-minute protest is an excuse to miss all of your classes… for a week.

Starus (Drama Kids):
Put down the Chuck Palahniuk novel for three seconds, and that internship at ABC just might come through today. But don’t take it – Disney is, like, all corporate and stuff. Opt instead for that renegade documentary company in Sausalito. Their touching portrayal of Bitey the Toothless Orca at Telluride thrilled attending festivalgoers. Both of them.

Nexini (Nexus Staff):
No stories will be in on time. There will be no feature photo. Bodoni book will be erased from all computers. Copy, let’s face it, nothing will be properly edited… again. Sports, you will be forced to cover men’s water polo all week, and your debit cards will be rejected from Keg ‘N’ Bottle, SOS Liquor and whatever the hell the third one is. Oh, and Barb quit.

Cancer (Stoners):
You will have some tough choices to make this week, namely whether or not to use a bong or blunt when hitting your fat sack of the chrons. You will inevitably choose the bong, ’cause you’re a stoner and rolling blunts is, like, too much work, man.

Freo(birds) (Freebirds Fanatics):
Freebirds will be closed today. You will attempt to drown your sorrows in a burrito from Super Cucas, but it won’t be the same. Don’t worry, that side of heart failure will come on the house. There will, however, be an additional charge for the ambulance ride. Don’t forget the 42-cent fee if you choose to pay with a credit card.

Nergo (Science Majors):
THe enzyme won’t Catalyze the reaction in Time and you will Be the only lab group to have mesSed up. No, you weren’t supposed to add Po(o). Oh, and I hear tHey are gOing to redo the MCAT this year. So much for all of those Practice tests that you did.

Leebrok (Pedestrians):
You will be killed this week. Yeah, it’s a morbid prediction, but that’s the price you pay for walking to campus. You know those two chicks who ride their bikes side-by-side while talking on their cell phones, presumably to each other? They will hit you and you will die. It’s a downer, but sometimes the truth hurts.

Score-pio (Sex Fiends):
She will text U tonight. She wants U 2 come over… and maybe under, too. It’ll be just the thing 2 keep ur creative juices flowing. And flowing. No condom? No problem. She’s already pregnant… it’s urs.

Soccertarius (Soccer Fans):
We were the national champions last year. Yay. Yessir – there’s nothing your pigskin tailgate partygoing East Coast friends appreciate hearing about more than a victory in a sport we haven’t won a worldwide championship for in… well, ever. Maybe someday. Keep hoping.

Kappa Kappacorn (All Things greek):
As the symbol of all things fratty, you should expect much fratastic fraternizing over the next few days as Spring Rush nears. Give a broski a break and let in the little guy, and your generosity will be rewarded twofold by a double dose of double-Ds.

Surfarius (Surfers):
Duuuuuddddddeeeeeeee! The waves still suck, but Floatopia is coming soon. Gnarly!

Pongces (Beer Pong Enthusiasts):
So your beer pong opponents are completely owning you? Worry not: Everyone knows you are better when you are drunk and you can totally turn the game around by making double bounces into that same red cup. You missed? Shit. Enjoy your naked run.