This article appeared as part of the Nexus’ April Fools’ edition.

In a rare, but hardly unexpected event, UCSB baseball Head Coach Bob Brontsema fell asleep in the third-base coaching box Sunday afternoon, costing the Gauchos a sweep over visiting Cal State Northridge. Trailing 4-3 in the bottom of ninth with junior outfielder Brian Gump on second base and two outs, junior first baseman Eric Oliver looped a base hit down the right field line. Running on the play, Gump slowed down rounding third upon seeing Brontsema staring at the ground behind his dark aviators, nodding off with a splash of drool running down his chin. Gump’s back was to right field and he was unable to gauge if there would be a play at the plate, so the speedster kept on trucking. Had Brontsema been alert he would have held Gump at third, but the snoozer failed to put up his stop sign and the fleet Gump was thrown out at home by 15 feet, ending UCSB’s bid for the sweep.

In a crushing blow to the UCSB men’s and women’s swimming and water polo teams, the NCAA has ruled Campus Pool unfit for competition starting immediately. Few students have ever attended a game at the hidden facility, buried near the much more popular A.S. Bike Shop, which has long been one of the worst pools in the nation.

“After six minutes of inspection, we determined Campus Pool to be in too much disrepair to house any NCAA sports,” NCAA Spokesman Randolph Wrigley said. “The facility is worse than pools at most high schools and is an embarrassment to both UCSB and its athletic department.”

In recent months the affected squads have used the RecCen Pool due to leaks and mold growing in Campus Pool, pitting the athletic department against the students who do not want athletes to use student facilities. The NCAA’s ruling means the aquatic squads will not be able to participate in competitive action next year unless the pool is improved and can pass further NCAA inspection. With the increasingly tight budget limiting the athletic department, UCSB athletes will be involved in a bake sale starting next week with the hope of raising the $10 million needed to repair the facility before next fall.

Two weeks after fellow senior Alex Harris won the Big West Co-Player of the Year award, forward Nedim Pajevic received a far more prestigious honor when the NCAA, in partnership with Gillette, named him the 18th recipient of the annual Mustache March Madness trophy, awarded each season to the college basketball player who best exemplifies excellence above the upper lip. While Pajevic ditched the mustache early in the season, he became an early favorite for the award after displaying a Super Mario-esque ‘stache in UCSB’s season opener.

Traditionally awarded to players on the East Coast due the fact that ESPN only covers Duke and North Carolina games, this year’s finalists all came from California after an unseasonably warm winter caused Atlantic Coast Conference players to stay clean-shaven all season. Pajevic was the unanimous winner after UCLA freshman and chinstrap beard/mustache enthusiast Kevin Love was disqualified when an intrepid The Associated Press reporter spotted a bottle of Rogaine in his locker.

Pajevic is the first player west of the Mississippi to win the award since Gonzaga’s Adam Morrison unanimously took home the Mustache March Madness trophy in 2006.