Steak, Guacamole and a Deadly Weapon, Please
Saturday, Feb. 23, 4:33 a.m. — Officers stationed at the Isla Vista Foot Patrol office received an early-morning call concerning a man “passed out drunk” in front of Freebirds.

When deputies arrived minutes later, the 19-year-old man was laying on the sidewalk in front of the door, vomiting.

Apparently unable to keep down his drunchies, the man was also unable to tell his story.

According to a witness, the man laying in a pool of his previous meal — queso-nacho-rito, anyone? — had walked into the popular burrito joint earlier carrying an open pocket knife.

The man with the munchies did not threaten anyone with the knife — perhaps plastic knives just weren’t good enough for him — but, nonetheless, the witness had quickly taken the knife from the drunk.

The deputies, determining that the man was too drunk even for Freebirds, called the paramedics, who transported the man to the Goleta Valley Cottage Hospital where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Cross-fading the Night Away
Saturday, Feb. 23, 1:40 a.m. — Deputies patrolling the 6500 block of Sabado Tarde Road noticed a man having some difficulty putting one foot in front of the other sauntering down the middle of the street.

Officers continued to watch the man as he staggered from side to side. Judging from his apparent lack of balance, the deputies suspected the man was under the influence of a solid amount of alcohol. The fact that he was yelling at innocent passersby also helped the officers in the deduction.

However, the 18-year-old man was not satisfied with his simple inebriation. Seemingly unaware of the deputies standing just paces away, the man asked aloud, “Do you know where I could score some weed?”

Before he could ever get his answer, the pot-seeking soon-to-be-prisoner crossed paths with the police.

Needless to say, this drunken reveler did not spend the night blissfully forgetting where he put his belongings — deputies working the night shift at the Santa Barbara County Jail took care of that for him.

My Name Is…
Sunday, Feb. 24, 12:18 a.m. — Two males leaning against each other for support caught the attention of deputies patrolling the 6500 block of Del Playa Drive.

Officers spotted the 23-year-old man leaning head first against the outstretched arm of his comrade. The two, like drunken statues backlit by I.V.’s relentless debauchery, held this graceful posture for some time.

But beauty is not meant to last and the two broke away and headed directly toward the officers, at which point the true extent of their intoxication came into clear focus.

The deputies determined that the 23-year-old male was unable to care for himself and asked the man his name. He answered with his first name, but gave no hint of his surname.

The deputies asked again several times, but the man simply smiled and shook his head, offering no answers. The officers asked him his date of birth and if he knew where he was, but with smiles abounding, he gave no answer.

The deputies then asked if the man had his driver license, at which point he reached into his back pocket and produced his wallet.

Yet, with his wallet out, the happy drunk was unable to find his license, even though it was clearly visible. The officer generously pointed it out to him, yet he was still unable to retrieve it.

A smile goes a long way, however, and the deputies were kind enough to help the man out and retrieved his license for him.

With the government-issued cheat sheet in hand, the severely confused man was still unable to provide officers with neither his last name nor his date of birth.

The man was arrested and transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending remembrance of his name.
— Compiled by Travis Miller