Valentine’s Day: Aside from Columbus Day, it’s probably my least favorite holiday, year in and year out. Maybe I can’t get over the fact that both celebrations completely ignore what actually happened to spark their annual remembrance in the first place. But let’s ignore the gore and get back to smelling the rose buds.

I’m happy to see advertisers are now aware they can profit off of those of us without that special sweetheart. It means all the lucky ones out there don’t have to act depressed anymore in front of their “happily” hitched friends. But what are you supposed to do when you’re head over heels for not just one but a few? Bob Marley confessed to having only one love, but nowadays I’m finding it hard to decide between two. Maybe I should grab each one a cute pink bubbler and just save the trouble for later.

Bachelorette Number One: She’s a mellow, laid back girl who likes to get heavy quick. A fellow couch potato at heart, her tiny, gorgeous body will leave you knocked out on the floor once she’s had her way with you. But don’t get discouraged by the fact your body might not be able to handle her: She’ll move on to the rest of your buddies in the living room, and then you’ll have some company down on the floor to crack up with. She’s so stoned all the time you might as well just scrape the hash off her skin.

Bachlorette Number Two: She’s a tall, skinny, hyper chick who has legs for days. But aside from this babe’s height, her strawberry smell turns every head in lecture. She loves the outdoors and the bright yellow sun, but sometimes her demands are a tad too difficult to quench. In cold weather, she insists on wearing purple. Forget the Red Bulls with this one, though – she’ll strap wings on your back faster than you can think to exhale.

If you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m really in love with two girls from the same tree, two peas from the same pod – two strains of the same plant. Their names? Sativa and indica. What’s the difference, you might ask? Well, when it comes to the sativa-versus-indica debate, many stoners couldn’t tell you the difference. Even scientists haven’t been able to trace the exact point these strains sprang from the same rung in the evolutionary ladder.

Indicas were originally found native to the Asian continent. Generally shorter, stubbier plants, these ladies possess that potent, skunky smell that makes you wonder who first decided it would be a good idea to smoke this stuff. Especially since the smoke is generally thicker than sativa strains. Cough, cough. The most obvious difference, though, is indicas are associated with a potent body high. Bachelorette Number One may seem harmless at first, but she’ll knock you flat on your ass, leaving you wondering what happened to the last two hours of your Thursday afternoon.

Sativas are native to North America and Southeast Asia. Most are tall, thin plants with skinny leaves and a light green color. They take much longer than indica strains to fully mature and need much more light to keep them healthy and happy. But the hard work will pay off in the long run. Bachelorette Number Two has a much more potent level of THC, leaving you with a more energetic high that doesn’t usually cause drowsiness. Some even claim these ladies cause hallucinations. They’re perfect for that road trip you’ve been planning for weeks.

But with all the crazy shit being spliced by growers these days, it could be difficult to find a pure strain of each. Some say there is even a third named ruderalis found in parts of Europe. You best bet is to hit up the clubs downtown, unless you trust the outlandish names your dealer tries to pass you.

Most people I talk to prefer the cerebral effects of sativa. Others enjoy the relaxation of an indica strain before bedtime. Like all substances, though, I’ve found it’s really just a matter of personality and preference.